GRINDELWALD, SWITZERLAND – A quaint Swiss town is experiencing the first wave of what is sure to be an epic boom in tourism this week, after news broke about a naturally-occurring spring rich in the parenteral narcotic Dilaudid. A legion of opioid-dependent Americans, decked out in mint condition Patagoni parkas and carrying shiny new Black Diamond crampons invaded the Alpine town with the giddy optimism of gold rushers from a bygone era.
The surreal scene was sparked by Grindelwald native Florian Glauser’s recent discovery of a small pond high in the Alps outside of town. Glauser nearly hiked right past the pond without giving it a second thought, but an intoxicating gas bubbling up from its steamy surface stopped him in his tracks.
“A wave of deep enchantment overcame me,” Glauser said. “I scooped a sip from the pond’s water with my bare hands, and in mere minutes, it produced the sensation of a hundred baby angels fanning me with tropical air while the Dalai Lama sang a sonnet about the meaning of life.”
“I awoke hours later, in the freezing cold, dark night. I took another, much smaller sip to sustain me for the hike back to town. I heard Beethoven’s ‘Ode To Joy’ for the entire four-mile descent. I either heard it or hummed it myself, I couldn’t tell you.”
After arriving back to town, Glauser couldn’t keep the secret for long. He and three friends were back the next morning, and news of the mythical spring spread like wildfire. Americans are now arriving to Grindelwald in unprecedented numbers.
Anthony “Clown Baby” Deruzzi, 36, of Ewing, New Jersey arrived last week and was reached for comment. “I knew I had to get here immediately. This is Shangri-La and The Big Rock Candy Mountain rolled into one. I came equipped with four 50 mcg fentanyl patches and twelve 2 mg Xanax bars for the climb, and I barely made it to the top before running out.”
“I was sucking on the last fentanyl patch, doubting the spring ever existed and certain I would die on that mountain when I saw the steam. I knew I was hallucinating, but Pink Floyd’s ‘Comfortably Numb’ became louder with each step as I neared the pond. I have no idea how long I spent up there on that first trip, or even how many times I have hiked up. This is my new home – it is heaven on Earth.”
“I gots my rights , you know ! EMTALA ! EMTALA !”
HAHAHA!
It can be like Palm Springs, only for people who have “dilaudidism”.
Lol not meeee…I’m allergic :)
Where is the TV remote? I need my pain med. 20 / 10 pain right now and the Knicks game is on.
News Update……
The Swiss have now closed the trail to ” lake dilaudid ” as it has been drained. It appears large groups of American DSP’s or DST’s ( drug seeking patients / tourists ) have swilled, guzzled, shotgunned the entire lake. There are only mud flats left at this time. Some of the fish in the lake were dried, rolled and smoked in a pipe.
Swiss authorities will re-assess opening the trail when lake levels rise to normal levels. DSP’s could be heard saying ” You guys used to be cool. Now, I can’t get no dilaudid from yooze. Not cool. I’m sure if the French had a lake dilaudid they would give me my meds. Who is on night shift tonight? I know they will be way cooler than you “
Sydney Lauren Rogers Sara Myers
I like this concept! Maybe I could start a diluted greenhouse for daily therapeutic walks!!!!!
Be careful all your “allergies” don’t kick in on the way.
I wanna go there
Is that a ham sandwich cart I see on the distant shore?
Are those beautiful flower petals just 2 mg tabs in disguise??
I hope it’s GMO free, and gluten free.
This is crazily amazing satire !!!
So I replied to a comment above mentioning Hoverrounds before I saw your comment! Haha
Hoveround 4x4s are selling out
Kelly Fabian
Kelly Fabian
they call it the fibromyalgia spring.
they call it the fibromyalgia spring.
I’d like to put flyers about this place in the WR. Go be Switzerland’s problem.
I’d like to put flyers about this place in the WR. Go be Switzerland’s problem.
Pshh, how am I gonna get ANY relief if you cant push it FAASSTTT!!!
Flight vouchers are available….;)
Oh boy! Flight prices just went up! Lol
They should plow and pave a path for Hoverrounds (TM).
Lmao
FOR REAL? OMG I’M SURPRISED THEY DON’T HAVE A LOT OF OD’S!
Hahahhahahah!!!
CANNONBALLLL!!!
All the frequent flyers please!! My back my head my abdominal migraines!!!
Medicaid Flight time is anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.
my mom’s walking there right now
Hilarious!
Hopefully we don’t have to arrange flights for medicaid patients…
LMAO!!
And Medicaid will totally cover the flight there.
Hahaha
Lol
Magically all chronic pain resolves while hiking to the spring.