Home Emergency Medicine Urgent Care Trains Monkey to Dispense Z-Paks, Send Patients to ER

Urgent Care Trains Monkey to Dispense Z-Paks, Send Patients to ER

Milli of Dilli
-
74
Urgent Care Trains Monkey to Dispense Z-Paks, Send Patients to ER

CHARLOTTE, NC – An urgent care clinic in Charlotte is the talk of the industry after piloting a new program meant to lower costs and increase patient efficiency.  A trained monkey, Giggles, was recently taught how to handle 95% of urgent care business by prescribing Z-Paks and learning how to send patients to the ER.

urgent care monkey
“TIme to pass out those Z-paks”

“Giggles is a smart monkey,” explained his handler.  “He has a knack for knowing which patients need Z-Paks and which ones seem to be above the capability of our clinic to take care of them.”

The way it works is that Giggles will see a patient and walk around him or her a few times.  He may touch the patient’s cheek or jump on the patient’s bed.  After his specialized exam, Giggles will either grab a treat out of his handler’s left hand, signifying that the patient needs a Z-Pak, or his right hand, signifying that the patient needs to go to the ED.

The clinic’s parent corporation, the German company Simians, is excited about the prospect of these clinics taking over the industry.  “The cost savings is enormous,” explained CEO Herr Gerstman.  “We typically pay a physician over $100/hr, but the monkey plus his handler costs us merely $20/hr.  The savings can then be passed on to customers and us.”

Giggles’ girlfriend, Betsy, is also being trained to work registration and collect co-pays.  She has a feisty streak, according to her handler.

“Betsy is great at collecting money but sometimes she can get real upset,” he explained.  “Betsy has been known to fling her excrement at people when they don’t have insurance or if they don’t have cash or a credit card on them.  Once we work out the kinks in her behavior, I think we will implement this idea at registration as well.”

During the transition to full monkey-based care, the clinic still employs PAs or NPs to handle the occasional patient with a Z-Pak allergy or for the times during the day when Giggles’ needs to relieve himself.

If you enjoyed this article, please check out the author’s website First World Emergency Medicine for other great articles.

Previous article What Your Doctor or Nurse Means When They Say Your Loved One is ‘Doing Well,’ Sorted by Medical Specialty
Next article Straight-A Medical Student Eager to One Day Have Very Own Patients Who Completely Ignore Her Advice
Milli of Dilli
http://www.firstworldem.com
After picking up the basics of medicine by watching TV shows, I moved to LA, forged a medical school diploma, and somehow found some success in the late 80’s as an event physician for major Hollywood events. However, it all came crashing down while working the 1990 Grammy awards. While “Girl You Know it’s True” was being played live, a stagehand went into cardiac arrest and I was called upon to help. Unfortunately, as I tried to lip-sync CPR instructions, the speaker on my cassette player stopped working and I was exposed for a fraud. After serving time in prison, I went to medical school and residency and I finished training to become an Emergency Medicine physician. Instead of using this training and knowledge for good, I decided to abuse it to become a professional drug seeker. Armed with advanced medical knowledge, my quest remains to go from ED to ED searching out the drug seeker’s Holy Grail: syringes filled with 1mg of hydromorphone, the so-called “Milli of Dilli.” While I am not drug seeking, I have decided to write medical satire posing as a typical First World emergency physician. My website, with my other satirical articles that did not make it into Gomerblog, can be found at http://www.firstworldem.com and my twitter handle is @firstworldem

74 COMMENTS

  7. And prescribe them all steroids and unrecommended cough medicine plus an antibiotic for a viral illness (that they tell Mom, it’s a viral illness. Then I get yelled at next time I tell her it’s viral and go home and drink fluids.) IMO, peds PTs should only see peds trained providers (more than 3 months of peds clinic, at the very least)

  8. I’ve been on both sides of this you know, the asker the askee….and let’s not forget bowel impactions. think a monkey can do that? well probably, but disposal may be an issue. probably fling it. wish I could have.

  9. now that’s just not nice at all. along with the pain level sensor. I had an appt today. And of course, here comes the pain level question, and I said well I just don’t know how to answer that anymore. I mean is it like being stabbed multiple times? set on fire? noooo, but it hurts. you decide. and why didn’t he have the new device?

  18. West Tennessee dialysis clinics have been staffed with monkeys for years. They are trained to send patients to the ED prior to dialysis for complaints such as shortness of breath and hypertension.

  21. I don’t know it is accurate or not, but I was told Ms. Clinton said a trained monkey could do a nurse’s job. I always thought we should get her one for her next healthcare need. Looks like this one is ready.

  25. You do know that respiratory distress can resolve on its own, right? Would you rather be called after the pt has coded? Your comment say more about you than the NP.

  42. I’m also a pa who worked er but have been working in urgent care for the last 4 years. I make more money than I did in the er and am far more trained than a monkey dispensing zpacks. Countless pts come in demanding them, I educate until I’m blue in the face and often they still will demand them cuz it’s “worked in the past” or “for their friend”. When I’m seeing 50 pts a shift solo I don’t have time to then continue to debate them and then deal with their negative yelp review. I only transfer legit pts that are in real distress, surgical cases or need imaging I can’t offer. I just think this article is dumb when it belittles good providers who work their a** off in urgent cares

  43. My wife presented to UC, symptomatic with abnormal EKG sent home with a dx of “bronchitis.” 3 days later, LV infarct, VS infarct. Requiring urgent surgery and 8 day hosp. Followed by 6 week rehab. Yes these UCs are real $ makers!

  45. My respect to all those providers who work in Urgent Care. They have the expertise to recognize when a patient needs a higher level of care, deal with a multitude of injuries and illnesses- often without the support of endless tests available ( like in an ER). They still deal with the drug seekers, psych patients, homeless and uneducated. My kudos to those providers and support staff of Urgent Cares- where do you think those patients would inappropriately go if UCCs were not around??—the ERs, of course!!!

  54. Wow…it’s just a joke but unless you’ve worked urgent care, you don’t know the PTS who walk in there. Out of the 4 days I work, in a month i may send 1-2 pts. For chest pain or RLQ pain positive for sxs of appy.
    And then there are the pts who treat me like a drive thru….”I have bronchitis and I need a Zpack”
    Those are the idiots that get the big eyes and the education
    And yes, I’m an NP

  55. I actually work both er and urgent care. It helps prevent unnecessary er transfers. The monkeys just need to ask themselves, “what can and will they do in the er that I can’t do here?” I worked 5 years in an IM office before the er and probably would have been more like said monkeys before my er experience.

  56. I started my career in the ED and now am the Lead PA of three urgent cares. I haven’t written a Zpack but once in the last five months (we could educate all day). I have worked with dozens of different MDs, DOs, PAs, and NPs. And the truth is…. If you are a stupid provider in an ED, you’ll be a stupid provider in an urgent care. Urgent Cares are not what they used to be. We keep many patients out of the ED. This article was meant to be funny. And was. A critical care NP I used to work with posted it on my wall, my answer: “Depending on the snack, I’ll still do it”. But some of your comments show no respect for the providers working there. Bad providers are everywhere (can we talk about the rebound visits we get from the ED for things missed??). Glass houses people. Glass houses.

  62. I’m not a doctor but I play one in the urgent care. Seriously, after 22 years as an ER PA in a 22 bed Level II Trauma Center, I LOVE my new job in an urgent care clinic, where I get to make that call instead of answer it. I may be a trained monkey, but I’m making as much money as the poor peds on call or the hospitalist at my old job, and I’m home by 8:00pm every day.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

© Newspaper WordPress Theme by TagDiv