PUMPKIN PATCH – Local pumpkin really wishing it didn’t turn down a Gardasil shot this year. “I have all these bumps all over myself,” the pumpkin told reporters. “What a big mistake to think that this couldn’t happen to me.”

The pumpkin’s parents thought Gardasil would lead to more promiscuity and therefore chose not to vaccinate. Unfortunately a teenage pumpkin does not weigh all the potential consequences before hooking up in the patch. When it came time for it to decide for itself, the pumpkin heard so many scary stories through the vine about vaccines. “When it comes down to it, you don’t know where the other pumpkin has been. I should have just got the vaccine.”

At press time the pumpkin was sad that it will not fulfill its dream of being the coolest Jack-O-Lantern on the block. Instead this local pumpkin will be touched by every kid passing by, saying, “Eww, touch this!”