Los Angeles, CA – After gradually wedging their way into the hearts and minds of healthcare professionals across the US and the world, Figs has been made DNR. The brand known for their form-fitting, over-priced, low-quality scrubs promoted by Instagram influencers/medical students has finally tripped over their own overpriced, designer shoes. 

Prior to today, Figs had made a market for themselves by sending a free pair of their shitty scrubs to medical students, nurses, PA’s and other healthcare professionals in exchange for copious posts artificially inflating the quality and comfort of the scrubs. 

Figs; time of death 1100 October 13, 2020. Cause of death; loss of taste, presumptive COVID.

That all changed when Figs posted a video advertising a pair of $46 scrub pants with a woman wearing a badge that read “DO” on it attempting to read a book entitled “Medical Terminology for Dummies” while holding the book upside down. And the idiots at Figs actually thought this could help sell scrubs!!!

Female Physicians, especially DO’s and those who support them immediately launched an all-out assault on the company via social media messages and emails. Many promised to boycott the scrubs, many had already decided to stop buying the scrubs before this, likely due in part to the strange stank they emanate that is usually blamed on the unnecessary antimicrobial additives. 

We asked Cedars Sinai DO physician and hospitalist, Hanna Rocky what she thought of Figs. “I bought a pair once but they were too form fitting. Clearly better designed for posing for Instagram than for any actual work in a hospital. Plus, I can’t wear them in the OR and good lord they have a funky smell” Dr. Rocky told Gomerblog. 

Gomerblog asked Figs co-founder and med-school dropout Heather Hassan for a comment on this fuck-up and she told us, “Let’s be honest, no self-respecting physician was wearing Figs anyway. They’re completely not functional, not really antimicrobial and they smell like ass. Our target market is the people who want to wear scrubs in public so other people THINK they’re doctors and nurses, not actual doctors.” 

Shortly after hearing these comments, Dr. Rocky made a chart entry in the EMR under Figs’ account making the brand DNR saying “we should have let them fade off when we recognized the smell. Now, they’ve crossed over to the realm of being un-savable along with 5th Harmony and the Minnesota Vikings.”

Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal