PORTLAND, ME – Internist Dr. Jeffrey Redd thinks it “unprofessional not to wear a tie” even despite the feedback from multiple patients, families, nurses, doctors, infectious diseases specialists, public health officials, and administrators that his tie is colonized with MRSA, VRE, C. diff, mosquitoes, ticks, and tarantulas.
“Anyone who thinks neckties harbor any sort of disease is crazy,” Redd told Gomerblog reporters who were shrieking like little toddlers.
Redd’s tie has a disturbingly large red stain that looks like fresh blood, though no one can really be certain since that would require getting up close and personal.
“I hate the way bowties look on me if that’s what you’re all getting at,” gloated a steely-mannered Redd towards all who disapprove. Onlookers are baffled as to how Redd has somehow managed to keep his white shirt both stain and infection free. “Certain types of people can pull off bowties, but I’m not one of them. I am, have been, and will always be a necktie guy. It’s what my patients want: a doc dressed up all nice in a necktie.”
This is not what his patients had in mind. Especially the tarantulas.
Concerned staff members are hoping to lure Redd into an isolation room later today with a fake Code Blue and then lock him up for safekeeping. From there, they hope to hose him down or shove him into an autoclave.
