NORTH POLE – Having successfully rounded on kids across the planet and delivering them gifts on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, Santa Claus has finally returned to his office to begin his least favorite part of this otherwise joyous holiday: charting every single one of those 500 million-plus visits.
“These kids don’t realize how much I appreciate all those milk and cookies,” an exhausted Santa voiced while brewing a fresh pot of coffee. He boots up his North Pole electronic gift record. “It’s not to keep me fed during all the travel – and it is a lot of travel – it’s to keep me fueled as I hammer out all these notes.”
For Santa to be appropriately reimbursed, he has to document if each child has been naughty or nice; address at least 10 systems on his physical exam of the chimney; and detail not only every single gift he gave each child, but what wrapping paper was used, what colored bow was attached, and where exactly under the Christmas tree it was placed.
“If I don’t document the presents, then the children never received them, that’s what the Christmas elf coders tell me,” Santa explained.
Despite the long hours he has ahead (he’s most worried about any mistakes he makes since he’ll be so tired when he charts everything), Santa is in good spirits.
“I felt great traveling about this year, so that’s holly jolly news,” he said. “No chest pain, no shortness of breath, no bleeding.” For those who don’t remember, Santa suffered an acute pulmonary embolism last Christmas but has been compliant with his Coumadin and tolerating it well. “Now let’s hope the immobility from charting doesn’t cause me to throw another clot, HO HO HO!!!”
