Fentanyl Lollipops Abused, Authorities Perplexed
WASHINGTON, DC - The Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) are absolutely baffled to hear about recent allegations of abuse with fentanyl lollipops. Apparently the rising abuse has caught...
Bacon-Laced Gastric Lavage Tubes a Big Hit for Patients
LAS VEGAS, NV – Maker of orogastric, nasogastric, and gastric lavage tubes, Medical Stuff, unveiled a new product line last week that is predicted to be a big hit for patients, especially on New Year's...
Goop from ER Break Room Becomes Sentient, Asks for Dilaudid
DALLAS, TX - In an amazing breakthrough for science, a new life form has spontaneously willed itself into existence in the break room of a local emergency room (ER). Not only this, but despite its...
Hospital Mandates Nurses Wear Yellow Safety Belts While Checking Out Pyxis Medications
NORFOLK, VA - Hospital administrators want to crack down on medication errors and they are willing to go to any length to do it. New studies show that many medication errors occur as nurses...
Tooth Fairy Refusing to Take Teeth from a Teratoma
JACKSONVILLE, FL – Monday, Brittany Friedly underwent surgery to remove a mass on her left ovary. It was a teratoma that contained hair and 7 gnarly teeth. “When they told me what was in my tummy, I about...
Trauma Patient with Isolated Stab Wound to Shoulder Can’t Understand Why His $300 Pants...
WASHINGTON, DC - A trauma patient at Washington Hospital Center became visibly upset in the trauma bay after his $300 pants were cut off with trauma shears. 25-year-old Julius Matterson was in an altercation with his girlfriend at his...
Alcoholic Fills Out Negative Patient Survey for Care Received on Christmas Morning
NEW ORLEANS, LA - 52-year-old Milton Applewood, a raging alcoholic who visits Holy Cross Hospital on a weekly basis, was appalled at the medical care he received on Christmas morning.
“Absolutely trashed,” proclaimed Applewood in...
Twas the Night Before Christmas in the ED
Twas the night before Christmas, the ED was quiet,
Not a creature was stirring, there wasn’t even a riot.
The patients slept soundly, so snug in their cots,
With some having dreams of free...
Inventor of Slogan ‘Pain is the 5th Vital Sign’ Now Concedes Pain is Actually...
NEW YORK, NY - Last night, in an emotional interview with Dateline NBC, Lisa Washington, who famously coined the term "Pain is the 5th Vital Sign," conceded that pain is actually not a vital sign.
A...
Drug Dealer Makes Seamless Transition to Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
THE BLOCK, USA - Rarely does a multiple felon make a career comeback - apart from athletes, rappers, bankers, politicians, law enforcement officers, and anyone in the 1% - but retired drug dealer Green Giant recently beat those...
