Saturday, July 11, 2020

Infectious Disease

Discharged Patient on Contact Precautions in Hospital, Spotted at Local Grocery Store

BALTIMORE, MD – 63-year-old Clarence Deeters was recently discharged from Mercy Hospital after being admitted and treated for urosepsis.  While in the hospital for over 8 days, he was placed on contact precautions due to...
navy ship

Newly’Appointed ‘Ebola Czar’ Quarantines Entire Navy After Learning Ebola Can Be Transmitted by Semen

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a bold first move since his recent appointment by President Obama as “Ebola Czar,” Ron Klain will quarantine the entire U.S. Navy after learning that the virus is readily carried in...
common cold

Antibiotic Cures Common Cold Virus

PHOENIX, AZ - Doctors in Arizona have discovered a revolutionary cure to the common cold.  On October 1, John Sniffles entered the emergency department at Valley Hospital.  After a seven-hour wait, he was seen by...

Ebola Now Airborne, Nation Prepares

ATLANTA, GA - Ebola, the most deadly disease known to man, was confirmed to be airborne by the CDC after an extensive investigation of the case in Dallas.  "At first we blamed the nurses...

CDC Releases Revised Ebola Management Policy for Healthcare Workers: Just Burn Everything

WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of the infection by Ebola of Nurse Nina Pham, who had cared for the first victim of that virus in the United States, the Centers for Disease Control...
Ebola quarantine chart

NY/NJ Ebola Algorithm for People with Recent Travel to Africa

* We truly appreciate you risking your life to treat dying people... just stay away from us. * ** Free to leave includes taking mass transportation and bowling. ** *** Please do not lie where you...
medical students at starbucks

Medical Students Excited to Volunteer for Studies of Ebola Transmission

SACRAMENTO, CA - In the wake of the CDC’s announcement that we still do not fully understand exactly how the Ebola virus is transmitted, several top medical schools have started offering $5 Starbucks gift cards...

Secret of Successful Weight Loss Clinic: Tape Worms

CARINGTON, IL - Recent controversy regarding a famous weight loss clinic, Let’s Knock It Off!, has the media in a buzz.  Let’s Knock It Off! has been an up-and-coming weight-loss empire, with many Hollywood success stories. Perennial weight-gainer/weight-loser,...

Texas Ebola Doctor: ‘Nurse, I’ll Be Right Behind You’

DALLAS, TX - Reports are coming in that during the care of the Liberian Ebola victim, the lead physician told his nurse: "Let's go into the room together.  I’ll be right behind you."  Dr. Wesles,...
hand washing

Researchers: If Washing Hands Won’t Remove All Germs, Blowing Them Off at High Speeds...

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Researchers from Harvard University have discovered the reason for high-cost hand dryers in bathrooms all over the United States.  In public restrooms across America hand dryers blow air, slightly warmer than...