Scented Packing Gauze Makes Abscesses Fresh and Fun
PROVIDENCE, RI - The field of wound care is taking note of a new line of whimsically-scented wound packing products pioneered by Quintac Hospital. After a promising pilot program with a cinnamon prototype, medical...
CDC Recommends Against All Human Interaction
ATLANTA, GA - Citing people as a major cause of epidemics, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) hopes to eliminate infections once and for all by recommending against any and all human interaction....
CDC Recommends Against HIV, Infections in General
ATLANTA, GA - In a statement earlier today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has recommended against the human immunodeficiency virus (or HIV). As spokesperson for the CDC Felicia Adams explained, "Look,...
Mayo Secretly Celebrates New #1 Status After Cleveland Clinic Comes Out Anti-Vax
ROCHESTER, MN - The Mayo Clinic recently held a campus-wide party this weekend full of "Number 1" balloons and cakes that said "Mayo #1". These were held after Cleveland Clinic promoted anti-vaccination (or anti-vax)....
Daft Punk Gets Unlucky, Catches Gonorrhea
PARIS, FRANCE - Known for their repeated declarations of "We're up all night to get lucky," French electronic music duo Daft Punk have unfortunately just got unlucky as they left their doctor's office with...
Patient Still Concerned About Getting Sick from the Flu Shot
MADISON, WI - Doreen Knowitall was horrified that her primary care physician again offered her a flu shot “Even though I told her I didn’t want it last year! I can’t believe she thinks...
ID Clinic Handing Out Free Chastity Belts
INDIANAPOLIS, IN - An infectious diseases clinic is thinking outside the box in an effort to promote safe sex practices by passing out free chastity belts to their clinic patients and anyone who strolls...
Dr. Mark Plaster to Battle New Super Bacteria in Maryland
ANNAPOLIS, MD - The CDC is warning the public that a new super bacteria has been identified in Maryland that is resistant to every known antibiotic. Officials and scientists are on heightened alert and...
CDC Warns Man Buns Harbor Zika Virus
ATLANTA, GA - The Center for Disease Control has issued a very clear warning: Do not date or interact with any men with man buns because they harbor the lethal Zika virus. Above all,...
