Breaking: Man Flu Caused by COVID-19
BETHESDA, MD - In a major scientific breakthrough, researchers at the National Institute of Health have uncovered that man flu is both real and caused by pandemic COVID-19.
Though the first case of novel coronavirus...
U.S. on COVID-19: “Help Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, You’re My Only Hope”
TATOOINE - While cleaning his new R2-D2 droid after purchasing them from the Jawas, Luke Skywalker accidentally triggered a holographic recording of a desperate United States of America pleading "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're...
FDA: Keep Reusing Your Mask Until You Eventually Catch Coronavirus
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Acknowledging the current shortage of both N95 and surgical masks, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a very simple solution to health care professionals taking care of confirmed...
FDA Recommends Americans Reuse Toilet Paper
WASHINGTON, D.C. - It is well-known that we are still in the midst of the Great Toilet Paper Crisis of 2020. In a newly-issued guideline, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) now...
COVID-19: CDC Recommends We Move to Antarctica While We Still Have the Chance
ATLANTA, GA - Cautioning that its newest recommendation is not meant to alarm the American public or imply that we are losing the fight against COVID-19 by any means, the Centers of Disease Control...
COVID-19: New 10-Foot Stethoscope Allows Exam from Safe Distance
MAPLEWOOD, MN - 3M has announced plans to ramp up production of a new Littmann COVID-19 stethoscope specially designed with 10 feet of tubing to allow a health care professional to examine COVID persons...
COVID-19: Orthopods to Flatten the Curve with Mallets
ROSEMONT, IL - Concerned that current measures aimed at mitigating the spread of pandemic coronavirus in the United States are not aggressive enough, our nation's orthopods have taken it upon themselves to flatten the...
FDA Studying Bicarb in Treatment of Coronavirus
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Desperate times call for desperate measures. Numerous drugs are being studied in the treatment of novel coronavirus, but the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) says the one touting the most...
COVID-19: Derm Braces for Surge in Dry, Cracked Hands
SEATTLE, WA - As a result of a marked uptick in handwashing by the American public in response to pandemic coronavirus, dermatologists across the United States are bracing themselves for a never-before-seen surge in...