CDC Warns Man Buns Harbor Zika Virus
ATLANTA, GA - The Center for Disease Control has issued a very clear warning: Do not date or interact with any men with man buns because they harbor the lethal Zika virus. Above all,...
American Red Cross Creates American Brown Cross for Fecal Transplant Donations
WASHINGTON, DC - Despite increasing clinician awareness and education as well as instituting universal gloving procedures, hospital-associated Clostridium difficile infections have continued to be a major source of morbidity and mortality in the United...
IDSA Recommends Washing Clothes Before, After Every Patient Encounter
ARLINGTON, VA - In an aggressive effort to help control the spread of microorganisms, the Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) strongly recommends health care professionals thoroughly wash their clothes before & after every...
Toddler Goldfish and Ketchup Diet Somehow Working
MASSACHUSETTS - A new study just released last week in the journal Nutrition demonstrated that the toddler goldfish and ketchup diet is somehow working; they just have no idea how. The study was performed due to the...
Habit, I Guess: OB/GYNs Accidentally Swabbing Vaginas for COVID-19
ATLANTA, GA - The novel coronavirus hasn't even peaked and emergency room personnel are already overwhelmed. In an act of goodwill, everyone is pitching in, including area OB-GYNs. Unfortunately, they're doing it...
Staying True to Their Identity, Chipotle Launches New Foodborne-Illness Menu
DENVER, CO - Chipotle admittedly had a rough 2016 but was surprised to see its customers stay loyal to the brand. Realizing they can really get away with anything, Chipotle has released its new...
Proactive Patient Does Own Admission Orders, H&P
QUEENS, NY - In one of the best examples in recent memory of medical self-ownership, a proactive patient not only sought medical attention but also did his own admission orders and H&P when it...
Program Offers Bone Marrow Transplant for Anti-Vaxxers
A new program funded by a group of private donors will allow any healthy person who is staunchly opposed to vaccinations to undergo a Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT). Following the transplant, patients would have...
Chief Resident Regrets Decision to Serve Noodles During Lunchtime PowerPoint on Roundworms
ATLANTA, GA - “I have never seen so many people vomit their brains out at once,” said disappointed chief resident Frank Napoli as he focused his hollow stare into the middle of his desk,...
Local Man Upset He’s Not Getting His Healthcare Money’s Worth
DAYTON, OH - Local resident, Phil Summers, complained that he isn’t getting his "money’s worth" when it comes to healthcare. "I am in top physical condition, I have no need to see a physician."
Phil...