Google to Deploy Self-Driving Colonoscopes
PALO ALTO, CA - Google has started to roll out their self-driving colonoscopies. "We are very excited about this new technology," said CEO Sundar Pichai....
Secretary Tom Price Deploys Stryker Drone to Mass Vaccinate America for Flu
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh off ex-fixing the Washington Monument, new Secretary of Health and Human Services and orthopedic surgeon Tom Price has turned his...
Lion King Remake to Include Mufasa’s Prolonged ICU Admission and Futile Care Prior to...
ANAHEIM, CA - Disney studios has announced that the remake of the Lion King, slated to be released in mid-2019, will feature a more...
Milk Fat Prolongs Survival of Government Dietary Recommendations
With the recent release from NSA data-mining archives proving that whole milk is indeed better than skim milk for cardiovascular health, dieticians throughout the...
Beef Rib Named Official State Fruit of Texas
LOCKHART, TX - Say goodbye to the Texas red grapefruit as the official state fruit of Texas. Texas legislators will meet later tomorrow in...
Nigeria Offers Aid to Measles-Plagued United States
NIGERIA - Local Nigerian government officials have released an official statement letting the world know they were grateful for the help the US has provided...
Scientists Perfect the No-Wipe Poop
BLOOMINGTON, IL – Scientists at Fermi-Labs have discovered something more remarkable and useful to the human race than the God Particle: no-wipe poops. Dan...
Bold Hospital Planning on Operating Over Thanksgiving Weekend Without Hospital Administrators
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - Reutgers Medical Center recently announced that it may operate this Thanksgiving weekend without any hospital administrators in-house. "We have been practicing...
After Binging on Pizza and Beer, Local Man Claims to Have Gluten Allergy
BERKELEY, CA – Local resident Charles Longfellow is no stranger to beer. “A typical weekend I’ll go through a couple cases,” he told reporters...
Treadmill Drama: A**Hole Virtual Runner Won’t Move Out of the Way
BIRMINGHAM, AL - With a rare opportunity to exercise, third-year surgical resident Jason Mann's excitement to go running on his apartment complex treadmill this...