OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL – The Joint Commission today released new guidelines for protecting patient privacy. The guidelines mandate that all hospitalized patients be known as Bob regardless of real name, age, gender, race or sexual orientation. The only exception will be patients whose name is actually Bob. They will be known as Ted.
The regulation makes it clear that real names are not to be used on patient room doors, electronic medical records, rounding lists, or attending note cards. Health care providers are forbidden from asking patients for their real names or using patients’ real names in conversations.
The program was piloted on a medical floor at U.S. News and World Report’s No. 3 ranked hospital, Rons Hopkins Medical Center. Hospital CEO Dr. Jeffrey Capadorno said that he volunteered to pilot the program in hopes that his “go get ‘em” attitude would help catapult Rons back to No. 1.
“When we slipped from 1 to 2 it was like someone cut off one of my arms. When we slipped to 3 it was like someone killed my dog after it bit off my other arm. At No. 3 I’m just an armless, dogless sad, sad man. I’ll do anything to get us back to the top spot,” said Capadorno, a single tear winding its way down his cheek.
The program was put into place and a reporter was able to record a snippet of the discussion during rounds on the pilot floor one recent morning:
Resident: “I ordered vanco for patient Bob.”
Attending: “Which patient Bob?”
Resident: “I wasn’t sure so I ordered it for all of our patients, except patient Ted.”
Attending: “That’s fellow-level thinking. Excellent job.”
After a month of the pilot program, data was collected. Medication errors went up by 659%, blood was transfused to the wrong patient 87% of the time, and mortality increased by a factor of 17. The number needed to harm of the intervention was 2.
When asked if the initiative was going to be abandoned, Joint Commission spokeswoman Daniella Chamalama, reached on her private jet by satellite phone, responded, “Abandoned? This initiative was a clear-cut success. We are mandating its implementation nationwide based on the unanimous vote of our advisory panel.”
Asked about the disturbing data on patient mortality she said, “Mortality is a red herring; the important thing here is patient privacy. I noticed that you failed to mention the drastic reduction in HIPAA violations from .001% to .0009%. And we all know that patients would rather have their privacy protected than be alive.”
Asked if there were any physicians, nurses, or other health care providers on the advisory panel Chamalama answered, “Of course not. We keep our panels bias free by excluding anyone with any real experience in health care.”
That’s great!!! I laughed out loud. Everyone would rather the guarded by HIPPA than alive. Lol.
They will change you’re name to Ted don’t worry you’re all set!
They will change you’re name to Ted don’t worry you’re all set!
What about Bob?…
hee hee
Lmao
I still remember when they decided our blanket warmers were too hot and could burn a patient. This is without monitoring the temperature the actual blanket was by the time we took it from the warmer, went down the elevator and got to the patient’s bedside.
oh God. not serious, or is it … hmmmmmmmm
Burkas must be handed out to all patients as they enter the ER parking lot. Call them HIPPA burkas.
Pretty darn funny! Plus it sounds like the real Joint Commission talking!!
Priceless !
Lol
So, despite the difference in systems, hospitals are basically the same the world over!! I relish the laughter Gomerblog brings to my life
still cracks me up that some readers think this stuff is real!!! really, you are all bob’s , although I’d prefer calling them all boobs. and pediatric patients are just little bobs…..
I love when she said patients would rather have their privacy protected than be alive!!! Good stuff!
For a very brief second there, I thought to myself “What kind of politically correct b.s. Is this?!”
But then I noted the source…
‘Course, down heah in the South, we can hyphenate… Ortho-Bob, Uro-Bob, Lung-Bob…..
I read the whole thing great idea but so many more errors
Love it!! Best one yet! !!
Hey! I’m Bob and I would freak out if they used my name for this. I could wind up getting drugged, have an abortion, and be neutered all in the same day!
This might get confusing…
Classic. One of the funniest I have read.
Anyone who has had to deal with JCAHO readily observes that they aru usually a group of nurses and physicians who are inept at their chosen profession, so they are allowed to dictate how EVERYONE should practice.
This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read!!!!!!!
That is too funny!! Anyone think there’s possibly in governmental power that might be stupid enough to actually implement such a plan? I’m certain the panel would be free from bias just as kasper was in ky!
I think the last line of the article is an honest to goodness quote from multiple healthcare administrators and NOT satire. Correct me if I’m wrong? Hehehe….
Roger Willard you’re ahead of the game lol
That last line is priceless!!
Gomerblog is the best medical satire, ever. They say what all of ih health care, or recently retired out of frustration, have uttered under our breath. 5 stars!!
I want to put that on a tee shirt “we keep our panel free of bias excluding anyone with medical knowledge” lolol love it!!!!
One of the greatest nurses I will ever know just retired. His name is Bob. We will do this in honor of him. ;) Ha ha!
This is FABULOUS