NEW YORK, NY – In unexpected and unfortunate news today, floor nurse Yelena Ivanovic was accidentally swallowed by her Pyxis machine shortly after engaging the fingerprint identification system, which is puzzling since she even fastened on her yellow safety belt and everything.
“I can understand it if this Pyxis’ next generation ID system can capture a nurse’s fingerprints,” explained fellow floor nurse Toni Rossi, trying to free Ivanovic from the Pyxis machine using a crowbar. “But to capture a nurse whole, that seems a bit much, don’t you think?”
According to Rossi, who was in the supply room when the incident occurred, said that Ivanovic had come in, wished everyone a “Good morning,” and the next thing he knew, she was screaming as the evil machine came alive with a “maniacal witch-like laugh,” reaching out for Ivanovic with its drawers “like tentacles,” while spitting fire and brimstone, eventually ingesting Ivanovic whole. “It was sort of like HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey meets Jaws,” said Rossi, who located a spare sledgehammer to help free his colleague. “It even burped when she was fully consumed.”
Becton, Dickinson and Company (BD), the maker of the Pyxis MedStation 4000, states that their new technology makes workflow quick and seamless for nurses assuming you aren’t eaten whole by the machine or simply killed on site when its artificial intelligence goes awry no more than 60% of the time. “There’s gotta be a little give and take, right?” asked BD spokesperson Rick Mullins, as he flips through his “Troubleshooting” guide, finding no section titled “Human Eaten Alive.”
Fortunately, Ivanovic is still alive based on the incessant pounding heard from the inside. Though many are sympathetic to her situation, hospital administrator Christian Blacksuit merely shook his head, blaming Ivanovic. “Stop your lallygagging and get back to work!” he screamed while tapping the side of the Pyxis with his knuckles and walking away. “Your screaming is very distracting to my fellow administrators.”
Rossi gives Blacksuit the look of death as he walks away. “Go figure, Pyxis wallows sweet ole Lena but this douche bag walks by and what? Nothing. Sigh.” Gomerblog will continue to monitor for new updates as they become available.