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Las Vegas, NV – With COVID still raging across the country, medical professionals of all walks have been looking for ways to burn off some steam. A main outlet used to be going to a bar to meet strangers for one night stands and possible long term romances.

With COVID shutting down bars and clubs in most cities, Tinder and other “dating” apps have been thrust into the forefront of the dating scene.

We decided to look into the Tinder profiles of physicians and other health care professionals of various specialties/levels of training and see how they describe their dating style. What we found will astound, puzzle, and probably disturb you:

Administration: I’m going to provide no help during the process, but be damn sure I’ll take full credit for it afterwards!

Anesthesia: You may not feel anything but you also won’t have any pain afterwards. 

Cardiology: If my loving gives you a racing heart, I’ve got diltiazem for you.

Chiropractic: There is zero evidence I provide any benefit, but I’ll give you the best placebo you can imagine! 

Dermatology: My beauty is only skin deep but if you wanted inner beauty, you wouldn’t be looking on this app. 

Emergency Medicine: I’ll do anything you want to do, it just takes me 4 hours and a couple tests to figure out what it is. 

ENT: Like the Weber test, I lateral one toward bad conduct!

Family Practice: Whatever you’d like to do, I can handle it. If I can’t, I can find someone who can. 

General surgery: We’ll be up all night and it will be so good, you’ll have rebound tenderness by morning! 

GI: Pick a hole, we’ll scope it out!

Heme/onc: My love for you is metastatic and not just through your lymph nodes!

Infectious diseases: Whatever you’ve caught from this app, I can treat it. 

Internal Medicine: I don’t care if you’re a bit older and have a lot of problems! In fact, I prefer it! 

Naturopath: Just like in an actual medical emergency, I’m useless in the bedroom, but I think echinacea can help that!

Neurology: My essential tremor won’t be the only thing shaking tonight!

Neurosurgery: We can even go transsphenoidal if you’d like!

Nurse Practitioner: I have no experience and no idea what I’m doing, so I asked a Newbie NP Facebook group and now I’m ready to do that thing I still don’t understand!

OBGYN: I know what’s down there and I don’t need a map to find the spot. 

Occupational Medicine: You’re going to talk about me at work on Monday. 

Orthopaedic Surgery: I’m gonna nail you like a comminuted femur; it’ll be messy and I may need some clamps. 

Palliative Care: It’s all gonna end so we might as well go out together!

Pathology: I’m used to people who don’t move. 

Pediatrics: If you’re good, I’ll give you a sticker after! 

Physical Therapy: You’re going to need to stretch before and after.

Plastic Surgery: I can make you look better while you’re doing it. 

Psychiatry: If you’d rather just talk about it, I have an in house psychologist. 

Pulmonology: If I take your breath away, I know how to give it back. 

Rheumatology: Pain in your joints? I can work with that!

Urology: I can do a surgery on myself to make it bigger, but I’ve been told I don’t need it. 

Vascular surgery: If it doesn’t work for you, we can always chop it off!

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Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal