The highly successful sales campaign of Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino has got the Starbucks’ marketing team all fired up and ready to target another demographic of artisan beverage drinkers.
“Now that a sizable number of children and teenagers have experienced the joys of a colorful diabetic coma, we figured it’s time we boosted sales in another area – healthcare professionals,” said Starbucks Deputy Head of Marketing Moore Cash, “Surgeons, in particular, because they don’t care about blood sugar levels as much as their medical counterparts.”
Introducing the new Iced Colic – organic apple juice with pop rocks that comes with a complimentary straw, mimicking the kinkiness of a tortuous hydroureter. “Amazing,” said Urology resident Dr. Dan Longhsaft, “As one sucks the clear yellow fluid through the twisted tube, pop rocks quickly obstruct the lumen.“
Combining the two things closest to an Orthobot’s heart, Boned Latte is sure to satisfy any iron-pumping Orthopedic enthusiast. Consultant Dr. Hugh Mussels grunted in approval, “100% pure whey protein and finely-ground calcium carbonate pills for strong bones and bulging muscles. What could be better?”
To ensure they achieved the most authentic texture and color possible for the Ice Blended Melena, Starbucks employees raided surgical wards to get their hands dirty with bedpan samples. “The thick, black sludge of ice blended activated charcoal, drizzled with red raspberry concentrate will excite any colorectal surgeon. However, we have decided not to flavor our beverage in a similar manner… it’s probably not good for business.”
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