INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Sporting a stethoscope and a white coat, 58-year-old ophthalmologist Donald Myers decided to dress up as a real life doctor for Halloween. “Isn’t it fun!” proclaimed Myers as he swung his little stethoscope around listening to his own heart and bowel sounds. “I’m like a real cardiologist!”
Coworkers report Myers had been planning his Halloween costume for months. “He’s been talking nonstop about this cool stethoscope he found on eBay,” said Nancy Johnstone, ophthalmic technician at Myers’s ophthalmology private practice. “Then, once he got a hold of a white coat from a retired hospitalist, he was just beside himself.”
According to witnesses, Myers has spent most of the day asking patients about their allergies while fake typing on a computer and laughing hysterically. He even tried to write a prescription for Lipitor, but wrote the name “SKELETOR” in all caps instead followed by the phrase “1,000 MOUTH PILLS PLEASE.”
Over lunch, Myers was listing off all the diagnoses he had made thus far as a “board certified Dr. House,” including “diabetes melena” and “small bowel destruction.” “It’s so much fun being a doctor!” screamed an elated Myers.
Around 2 PM, Myers was seen trying to perform a lumbar puncture on the cervical spine before staff wrestled the 30-guage 1.5 inch needle out of his hands. “I may never go back to being an ophthalmologist ever again,” said Myers before realizing it was almost 5 pm. “Wow, look at me working late like a real doctor!”
At press time, Myers’s wife reported that her husband had placed a call room sign on their bedroom door.