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ALPHABET CITY, NY—With so many recommended vaccines—MMR, DTaP, IPV, Hib, PCV, RV etc—it can be challenging to remember all their names, let alone when to give them. That is, until now. That’s because there’s finally a universal vaccine that will displace all others, and everyone, including anti-vaxxers, can easily get behind. Called the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vaccine, it provides immunity against every known infectious disease, all in one shot.

“It’s 2020,” said lead vaccine developer, Abby Ceez. “It’s completely unacceptable that humans were caught off guard by a viral pandemic without any protection.” Working under “Operation Warp Speed” standards, the research team quickly developed this all-in-one shot in less than a week. The FDA approved it a day later.

“It really wasn’t that hard,” remarked Dr. Ceez. “All we had to do was mix the currently available vaccines together and then develop a few thousand new ones and mix those in too.”

On top of that, to avoid any future outbreaks of novel viruses, the scientists even painstakingly developed vaccines for every possible mutation of every known pathogen…and made guesses on some unknown ones too. All of these are included in the new shot. “It was a piece of cake,” said Dr. Ceez.

The ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ injection takes 48 days to be completed. Fever up to 200 degrees Fahrenheit is certain to occur and will last for a year or two. Symptoms of each disease may be experienced simultaneously, though only temporarily (they hope). The makers cannot guarantee immunity to all or any of the diseases, especially any that might start with X. Experts warn that the immune system will probably overreact and go absolutely berserk, attacking everything in sight. Studies to evaluate safety and efficacy have not yet been performed nor are any planned.

These tiny inconveniences aside, interest in the new vaccine is sky-high. “You mean my kid would only have to get one shot ever?” asked a vaccine-hesitant mother. “Sign us up!”

Experts believe that the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vaccine will help bring the Covid-19 pandemic to an end. But in the off chance that it doesn’t, there’s little need to worry. A pharmaceutical company in Denmark has developed a combination pill that contains every drug that’s been proposed as a therapeutic for Covid-19, including but not limited to hydroxychloroquine, chloroquine, remdesivir, ivermectin, famotidine, vitamin C, lopinavir-ritonavir, bleach, Lysol, Clorox, and a powerful light.

At press time, although early results have been promising, there have been reports of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ-vaccinated children showing up to doctors’ offices with an apparent viral syndrome. “How can this be?” asked an incredulous Dr. Ceez. “The vaccine is supposed to stop all infections that begin with a letter between A and Z.” But after seeing photos of the affected children, her cheeks soon became as red as the kids’.

“Oh crap,” she muttered, “5th disease!”

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Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!