CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline
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CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, VaselineATLANTA, GA – In a novel approach to help combat the obesity epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) says that everyone in American needs to drop down right now and do a billion sit-ups, no ifs ands or buts.

“Look I hate crunches as much as you do, but I need it, you need it, we all need it,” Director of the CDC Brenda Fitzgerald announced at a joint press conference earlier today.  She made the announcement while actively demonstrating good form for sit-ups.  “By mandating this abdominal workout, you can take solace that 300 million other Americans will be doing sit-ups with you.  We are all in this together.”

Fitzgerald admits that this mandate may not be enough to drop the collective American BMI to below 25, but she does have numerous other ideas in store.

“We’ll have to see how we all do after these crunches and if we’re not at our goal waist circumference, then we might have to mandate some week-long fasts or a grazing-only diet,” Fitzgerald added, taking a breather before performing her one-millionth sit-up.  “Okay America, only 999 million left to go!  Obesity, your days are numbered!”

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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