ATLANTA, GA – Based on recent review of the available evidence, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) strongly recommends inhaling Lysol before and after every encounter with a patient with suspected or confirmed COVID-19.

In a matter of months, the pandemic coronavirus has infected millions and killed tens of thousands worldwide. While the race is on to discover effective treatments and a vaccine, what largely guides current treatment paradigms is anecdotal at best. The rapid depletion of personal protective equipment including masks has led the CDC to brainstorm creative ways to stay safe.

“Look, if you’re one of the few lucky Americans that has access to a can of Lysol, I am imploring you to donate it to the front line [healthcare workers],” begged Director of the CDC Robert R. Redfield. “If it’s true that it ‘kills 99.9% of viruses & bacteria’ like it says on the label, then it can’t hurt to take a few puffs of Lysol before and after you evaluate each patient.” The CDC recommends using the Lysol like an albuterol inhaler. “With PPE nonexistent now, Lysoling our lungs is our safest bet.”

Pulmonologists worry about the unintended consequences of inhaled Lysol use, already dubbing these future conditions Lysol lung.

“Under normal circumstances, I would recommend against it, that there’s more risk than benefit,” said Emory University pulmonologist Dr. Gigi Ocoeur, before taking 4 puffs of Citrus Meadows scent Lysol. “But we’re in a pandemic now and anything goes.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.