woman gives up facebook
405 Shares
woman gives up Facebook pressors
FB stock down to $176.26, FB blood pressure down to 65/32

MENLO PARK, CA – With its stock value plummeting precipitously in the past 48 hours, Facebook has been started on pressors with lactated ringers running wide open.

“The drop is significant and Facebook is showing signs of end-organ failure,” commented critical care attending Dr. Will Tucker.  Labs earlier this morning revealed a creatinine of 5.45, AST 465, ALT 678, lactate 4.5, and troponin 0.36.  An earnings anion gap notes a fiscal acidosis of $120 billion.  “Facebook is still alive but hardly kicking and the threat of respiratory failure is real.” 

In order to cover for sepsis, Facebook has been started on broad-spectrum antibiotics.  However, Tucker suspects Facebook’s hemodynamic stability will not be due to infection but post-Cambridge Analytica shock.

Facebook has been so ill it has been unable to “like” any posts in the past 24 hours.

In related news, the ICU team will go against Facebook’s wishes regarding internet privacy and support HIPAA by not sharing any of the social media giant’s personal information.

image_pdfimage_print
405 Shares
  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

405 Shares