Victory: Anesthesia Solves Every Last Sudoku on Earth

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Citing today as unequivocally the greatest day in the history of anesthesiology, President of the American Society of Anesthesiologists (ASA) Jeffrey Plagenhoef announced that “every sudoku puzzle ever created and placed upon this Earth has been solved,” before telling all of Anesthesia, “Mission Accomplished, it’s time to go home.”

Earlier this morning, Anesthesia solved the last of the 6,670,903,752,021,072,936,960 classic 9 x 9 grids.  All other-sized grids have already been solved.  They wanted to save the best – the final 9 x 9 grid – for last.

For years, health care professionals outside of Anesthesia have been baffled and intrigued by their colleagues’ obsession with sudoku, a puzzle game in which a grid of (usually) 9 x 9 grids is filled with numbers in such a way that patients are ignored.  Many anesthesiologists have risked their own lives in the pursuit of sudoku.  As a result, Anesthesia, traditionally known as the branch of medicine concerned with anesthesia and anesthetics, has been labeled the branch of medicine concerned with puzzle games.

“To our colleagues in subspecialties on the other side of the drape near and far,” Plagenhoef continued, “you may have blamed us for all of the ills in the universe but one thing you cannot ever, ever take away from us is today, this day in which sudoku was conquered.  It never was about anesthesia, anesthetics, you, or patient care.  It was about defeating sudokus, that’s why we went into the field in the first place.”

Under orders from Plagenhoef, drape, drape forts, and puppet shows in operating rooms across the country are slowly being dismantled with the goal of Anesthesia completely withdrawing and retiring from Medicine by the end of 2019.