MOUNT LAUREL, NJ – Brace yourselves, a long-assumed notion once held about a certain class of health care professionals has just been completely obliterated: A spokesperson for the Wound Ostomy and Continence Nurses (WOCN) Society has revealed that wound care nurses doesn’t really care about wounds, not one bit.

“Don’t get us wrong, we’ll take good care of the wound in question because that’s our job, we’re professionals after all,” said WOCN spokesperson William O’Connor-Nolan, who could think of a billion other things he cares more about than debriding this infected heel ulcer. “But if you asked me if I really give a damn about wounds and I had to give you a truly honest answer, I’d have to say no, I just don’t care at all.”

Anyone who has ever seen a wound dressed by a wound care nurse knows that it took a lot of time and effort to get that wound looking as good as it does. It’s the work of someone who is really invested in what they are doing.

Wound care nurses must care, right?

“Hell no!” exclaimed wound care nurse Whitney O’Clery-Norris, who is relieved the cat is out of the bag regarding the misconception that wound care nurses care. “Hogwash. I can take care of stage 5 sacral decubitus wounds with my eyes closed. Doesn’t mean I want to or I enjoy it. I don’t care. I just don’t. I honestly couldn’t give two flying f…”

To prove it, O’Connor-Nolan showed us the results of a recent WOCN Society meeting in which all attendees were asked to rate how much they cared about wounds, using a scale from 0 (“I don’t care”) to 10 (“I completely care”). The average score was -1.

“You want to know what’s the only wound I care about?” asked O’Connor-Nolan, while getting up to point at his sacrum. “My own decubitus. You know, this nice large stage 4 I’ve developed from charting all damn day.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.