Denver, CO – AORN President Missi Merlino, MHA, CNOR, CSSM, BFD, WTF, OPP, GED announced a new recommendation this week. 

These stupid recommendations have got to stop!

“Based on zero evidence whatsoever, AORN has determined that Surgeon happiness is a risk factor for surgical site infection. We used our standard investigative techniques including asking random people what they think and ignoring actual scientific studies in coming to this recommendation.” RN Merlino stated. 

“We have found that surgeon happiness correlates directly with infections. The amazing part is we came to this finding without ever actually seeing any patients before or after their surgery. We don’t have the foggiest idea what a surgical site infection looks like, but we now mandate surgeons be forbidden from singing or smiling in the OR in the name of patient safety.”

As with standard AORN recommendations, this recommendation will be universally enacted in OR’s across the country where it will stay in place until several well-done studies counter the findings at which time the recommendations will slowly be peeled back. 

“The Joint Commission likes to think they have the exclusive rights to making arbitrary rules without any supporting evidence. We’re just trying to make sure the world knows that we are just as good at creating illogical standards as TJC.” Merlino boasted. 

Local veteran OR Nurse Krankee Pantalones supports the AORN recommendation, “I’ve seen a lot of infections in my day, I’ve never diagnosed one or followed a single patient’s post-operative course after they’ve reached the PACU but I’ve seen surgeons washout some infections. They’re never happy when they are washing out an infection. They know surgeon happiness causes infections even if they won’t admit it.”

Orthopaedic Surgeon Cyrius Mauffrus was furious at the recommendation, “They can’t just make up bullshit that completely forces us to change everything we do based on zero evidence because some crotchety old nurse in a tower had a shitty idea pop into her fat head. Well they apparently can, but they shouldn’t! This is just as dumb as their rulings on wearing coats in the OR and certain types of headcovers!”

When asked if she thought actual scientific research would support her recommendation, RN Merlino was non-committal, “The research should support this recommendation because it’s an AORN best practice recommendation. If the research doesn’t support out recommendations, perhaps the research is faulty and needs to be re-evaluated.”

Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal