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With coronavirus (COVID-19) season starting up and allergy season fresh upon us, we wanted to give you some tips on how to tell the difference.

Are your eyes itchy?

This is a common misconception about COVID-19 that we need to debunk first. Coronavirus does not cause itchy eyes by itself. If you have “itchy eyes” or ocular pruritus, it is most likely allergies. Unless you have a cat sitting on your face, then you should consider removing the cat. Especially if the cat is positive for COVID-19.

Is your nose runny?

This is a tough one! But first thing’s first: did you remove that coronavirus cat sitting on your face? Assuming you did, then it could either be COVID-19 or allergies. The only way to find out is to disobey social distancing protocol, hug all of your friends and family, and see if they turn positive for coronavirus.

Are you having shortness of breath, difficulty breathing?

Most likely COVID! Get tested. And don’t let the fact we have an abominably limited number of tests stop you. Just say you play for the Utah Jazz or Brooklyn Nets and you’ll be fast-tracked.

Is your vagina experiencing a cough, itchiness, or malaise?

If you answered yes to any of these three symptoms, have your OB/GYN swab your cervix for COVID-19. If you test negative, then start a two-week trial of vaginal Flonase.

Were you wearing a bandana while taking care of a COVID-19 patient and now you have a fever?

Looks like the CDC guidlines didn’t help you here. Try a scarf next time and get tested for coronavirus.

Are you on a ventilator and everyone around you is wearing space suits?

Hate to break it to you; COVID. And cat-scratch fever. How many times do we have to tell you: Get that coronacat off your face!

As always consult a medical doctor or the internet for medical advice.

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Lord Lockwell
Lord Vincent Lockwell, a medival surgeon, started Gomerblog in 1388. He went for a walk in the alps to get away from the bubonic plague in what is now considered southren Germany when a tragic acident occured. The avalanche did not kill him but froze him for over 500 years. He was thawed and now continues to report on medical news.