1. Hospital volunteers will give you piggyback rides wherever you need to go.
Don’t bother using your legs to move around the hospital. Our dedicated stable of volunteers will carry you around on their backs. Ambulating around the unit has never been easier.
2. Exclusive access to all-you-can-eat buffet before surgery
NPO after midnight is for normal people with bowel obstructions. As a VIP, you have access to a gourmet buffet right next to the pre-op area. Enjoy a 12-oz. top sirloin on your way to the operating room, which will be called a theatre just for you.
3. Your pain scale goes up to 35
For any pain above 30, your medical team will be happy to sever your spinal cord at the skull base so you feel no more pain.
4. Complimentary transfusions of virgin blood
Studies have shown that no blood is more invigorating than virgin blood. We provide all VIPs with complimentary transfusions of certified type O negative virgin blood. No anemia required.
5. You can call your own consults
Simply ask your nurse manager concierge for a desired specialty and a consultant will arrive within an hour. Do you feel feverish? Infectious disease will check your temperature. Do you have a popcorn kernel stuck in the back of your throat? ENT will be happy to evaluate.
6. You get a hospital administrator call light in addition to standard nurse call light
With the push of a button, a high-ranking hospital administrator will arrive help you with everything from bringing a cup of water to your lips to tucking you in at night.
7. A resident will come to your room and tell you about other patients who are less important than you
HIPAA only applies to commoners. Allow our residents to regale you with tales of community-acquired pneumonia and rejected prior authorizations while you enjoy a breakfast of poached eggs and an English muffin.
8. Free HBO
It’s not just TV, it’s HBO. You’re not just a patient, you’re a giant pain in the a**.
9. Courtesy contact precautions in order to keep “normals” from directly touching you
You will not be expected to suffer the touch of lowly sub-humans. Airborne precautions are also available upon request to keep you safe from the breath of the unclean. If desired, hospital staff will wear N95 respirators in your presence in exchange for a large hospital donation.
10. Hospital staff will avert their gaze at all times
Feel free to refer to us as “it, thing, or servant.” We don’t mind. Dolla Dolla bills y’all!
