NASHVILLE, TN – Patient Erica Patterson says that “this tunnel” and “white light” are getting old, but Patterson along with the Lord Almighty God, Palliative Care, and Social Services are still waiting on insurance authorization before proceeding with discharge to Heaven.
“Heavenly placement is the worst, especially if she gets denied. I mean, she’d be a perfect fit upstairs, she’s sooooo nice!!!” God said to some nearby medical students who were kneeling before him in deference. “Oh geez, get up, get up!” he gestured towards the students. “Kneel before your attending, not me. We’re cool, don’t worry about it.”
Social Worker Joel Atwater submitted all necessary paperwork to Gates of Heaven Hospice 72 hours ago. However, Atwater informed both God and His patient that Heaven was still reviewing all of the records. “In fact,” he added, “they wanted me to send in the latest notes from PT and OT. I kid you not. Heaven’s being kinda sketchy.”
“I’m just about dead, Heaven can’t be serious?” Patterson responded, not believing what she was hearing. Clearly she wasn’t familiar with the world of insurance authorization, which is the best. “God, did you hear that?”
“GODDAMNIT!” exclaimed Our Lord and Savior, who quickly covered His mouth and started blushing, realizing He used His own name in vein. “Sorry, my bad. It’s just… it’s just that recently it’s been taking way too long for people to get into Heaven. Celestial discharges used to be a piece of cake. What happened?”
In other news, Satan wants to remind everyone that Hell is taking all types of patients, insured or not.
