ATLANTA, GA – First, the Centers of Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) wants to wish everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year before it drops this depressing piece on y’all: Based on close analysis of data from the previous century, the CDC predicts the 2019 New Year’s Resolution noncompliance rate will be 100% (margin of error 0%). This does not bode well for people around the country who have decided this is the year to start eating healthy, exercising, losing weight, using less Dilaudid, or giving up any of a number of vices like smoking or nose-picking. Though the CDC does applaud and encourage the pursuit of a healthy lifestyle, it does want to remind everyone “Let’s not kid ourselves.” Failing to uphold a New Year’s Resolution is part of the charm of making New Year’s Resolutions in the first place, said the CDC. In fact, they went so far as to say that upholding a New Year’s Resolution makes you unpatriotic and un-American.
