WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has announced that North Korea has successfully hacked yet another electronic staple of American life – the drug-dispensing Pyxis machines. Americans were recently outraged and appalled when Sony Pictures announced their decision to cancel the release of “The Interview” based on cyber attacks.
It now appears that North Korean hackers have incapacitated Pyxis machines which deliver parenteral narcotics, and are counting on narcotic withdrawal-induced violence and mayhem to absolutely scorch America from within.
The North Koreans have shrewdly and correctly surmised that 75% of American ER visits and hospital admissions end with “narcotic receptor saturation,” a state of delirious semi-consciousness which results in the patient being unable to ask for more narcotics, yet unable to argue with discharge.
“This has to be corrected immediately,” said White House Spokesman Ari Lindenflugel, MS, JD, Ph.D.
“If the Emergency Departments of America can’t serve their rightful place as modern-day free opium dens, our entire medical community, and society itself, may crumble. Kudos to the narcotic-dependent Americans who are fighting off hospital staff and security to bash in the Pyxis machines with their fists to get what they need – they are true Patriots.”
The National Guard is taking position as mass opioid withdrawal will be commencing in 3… 2… 1…
Sarah Fields Hart, Jade Brashear Sonya Freeman Good luck counting those Pyxis machines tomorrow!
When we got rid of Dilaudid in LA ER’s the junkie caravans through the ER went down exponentially.
Hilarious, my laugh for the day!!
@boredERdoc “: North Korea Hacks ER #Pyxis Machines Nationwide; …http://t.co/QwTfIFCquf #Pain_Medication http://t.co/rnEwCiAk6K”
I wish. …
I wish. …
We should have thought of this.
Now if they could hack the Press-Gainey surveys………..
We should take out time fixing that issue.
That is way too funny!
Bahhhaaaahhaaa!!!
If only….
Love this
Heaven forbid we should have to make do with morphine or fentanyl
Thank God Omnicell machines weren’t affected.
Wow! Our docs only order 1mg at a time! Maybe I should refer our frequent visitors to you
Awesome!
Nooooo!!!! ya gotsta gimmmeee my dildodid!!!
Narcotic receptor saturation. Funniest thing I’ve heard all week lol. You guys are so funny. I want to repost.
Don’t forget the gingale
Code Team was gearing up to step in for all of the potential cardiac arrests to occur once pts realized Hacked pyxis was unable to produce beloved dilaudid. They too recalled offer of assistance for fear of NK retaliation stating… “ER, you’re on your own!”
Merry Christmas to me! All I want for Christmas is to not push 2mg of dilaudid
Dirty commies better leave our lorazepam alone!
Gabrielle Turner
People will have to rethink their morphine “allergy!”
Cool!
Tamara Coulter
Hysterical
John Angel D, why u be tagging me and Mel when this article is about craziness
Lmao!
But what’re we gonna’ do with the guy who’s eating a Snickers bar with the headache pain rated as “20” out of 10????
Crystal Melanie
Ériu ÓCealligh
No! All R.N.s. (That’s refreshment&narcotics) to those of us in the know! Stay calm! Security has this! Or, not!
Narcotic receptor saturation!! HAHAHAHAHA!! B
That’s absolutely terrifying!!! LOL
Diane Moore Canard Katie Dickerson Karen Scarce Thompson hahaaaa
Awwww hell naw!! They’ve gone to far!!! They are affecting my sanity… Attack, kill,destroy
Jenny Codding
Fight back with milk and molasses
Al qaeda Disrupting turkey sandwiches = terrorism
But if we dropped a few drones on dat press gainey mufucka = patriotism
Go team!
Ryan Hoblitzell
Donny Booth
A couple of 150meg Nucs would solve this problem.
Crisis.
Narcotic receptor saturation: I think that will become incorporated into my nurse station rhetoric
Hahaha. What an apocalypse!!!!
We’re doomed!