Primary Care

CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Quarantines Jenny McCarthy

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ATLANTA, GA -- Due to the severe flu outbreak this season, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has decided to examine the...

Patient Stuck in Endless ‘Clearance’ Referral Pattern, Hasn’t Had Surgery in 6 Years

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Mr. Smith, a 67-year-old man with a fair number of medical problems, has been trying to be medically cleared for an inguinal hernia operation...
styrofoam stetoscope

Styrofoam Cup Outperforms Crappy Disposable Stethoscope

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ABSTRACT Given the increased proliferation of multidrug resistant (MDR) microorganisms, it is considered standard of care to use patient-dedicated, disposable, or “crappy” stethoscopes to prevent...
angry man

Confrontation Visual Fields Ends in Triple Homicide

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CHICAGO, IL – Tragedy struck a quiet neighborhood eye clinic last week after what began as a routine visual field confrontation ended in a triple...

This Store Provides Real Allergies to Get the Medication you Want

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BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Natalie Speede-Faster really needed to get back on Adderall.  Her stupid internist was “concerned” because Natalie always wanted a higher...

Easter Not Recognized as Holiday, Riots Ensue at Catholic Hospital

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HOSPITAL OF THE RESURRECTION - Religion is not a quiet affair at this institution.  Morning and evening prayers are broadcasted over the PA system...
patient satisfaction survey

Patient Satisfaction Survey Study Halted, Mortality Increased 238% with Patient Satisfaction

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LOS ANGELES, CA - "We have to halt this study immediately!" was a warning issued by lead researcher, Dr. Hans Willford from UCLA.  "Long-term mortality...
abdominal pain

Hospitalist Becomes Own Endless Loop

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In a stunning procession of events, nocturnist Angus "Kilty" McSwagger became the only known hospitalist to experience the so-called "admission mirror paradox."  Long speculated...

Patient Care During Super Bowl Nears “Total Neglect” Status

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – "Don’t get sick during the Super Bowl" was the overwhelming response put out the Joint Commission today.  New studies just released by...
on call

AMiON Scheduler To Be Replaced With A Simplified Text Saying ‘Yes’

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NEWTON, MA - In a move aimed at reducing operative costs, Spiral software's administrative staff issued a statement according to which AMiON popular scheduler is...