NEW YORK, NY – In an interview with the New England Journal of Administration (NEJA), hospital administrator Jason Wilcox stated his vision for the hospital of the future, stating that the ideal hospital would have 10,000 beds, 10,000 administrators, and maybe a few medical people too, depending on the budget that upcoming fiscal year.
“Everyone knows that the key to providing high-quality care to our patients is by having more hospital administrators,” said Wilcox.
According to Wilcox, the ideal hospital would have enough beds to thrive financially; 10,000 beds would be the minimum number, though 20,000 beds is not outside the realm of possibility. To ensure maximal quality, his ideal hospital would have a 1:1 ratio of administrators to patients for a total of 10,000 hospital administrators.
“The key to cost-savings is in trimming the fat,” explained Wilcox, while sipping on a coffee mug made out of gold. “How do we trim the fat? Get rid of nurses, doctors, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, social workers, techs, physical therapists, occupational therapists, nutritionists, pharmacists, and so on.” In Wilcox’s model known as the Superb Hospital of Ideal Things (SHIT), 1 nurse, 1 doctor, and 1 social worker “should be plenty” to staff a hospital with 10,000 patients.
“Of course, I’m worried about burnout,” said Wilcox, as he got his shoes shined by a fleet of laid off health care practitioners. “That’s why we want to have more administrators, so that we can thrive and continue to administrate the hell out of this place.”
Wilcox believes a true golden age of medicine is on the horizon so it is in the best interest of health care practitioners to let go and let administrators do their thing.
“They say we’re at a disadvantage because we know nothing about medicine,” said Wilcox, defending fellow hospital administrators. “Let me say this: medicine is practiced in a hospital and I run that hospital. So suck it.”
Wilcox believes there are ways to save besides cutting essential health care staff. Ideas include replacing electricity with candles; substituting soap, water, and alcohol-based sanitizers with pestilence and disease; removing electronic medical records and paper charts in favor of stone and chisel or feather pens and scrolls; and possibly tearing down the hospital entirely and just providing care in open parking lots naked, thereby saving on hospital gowns, scrubs, and white coats.