hospital administrators

Administrator Says Ideal Hospital Would Have 10,000 Beds, 10,000 Administrators, and Maybe a Few Medical People Too

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NEW YORK, NY – In an interview with the New England Journal of Administration (NEJA), hospital administrator Jason Wilcox stated his vision for the hospital of the future, stating that the ideal hospital would have 10,000 beds, 10,000 administrators, and maybe a few medical people too, depending on the budget that upcoming fiscal year.

“Everyone knows that the key to providing high-quality care to our patients is by having more hospital administrators,” said Wilcox.

According to Wilcox, the ideal hospital would have enough beds to thrive financially; 10,000 beds would be the minimum number, though 20,000 beds is not outside the realm of possibility.  To ensure maximal quality, his ideal hospital would have a 1:1 ratio of administrators to patients for a total of 10,000 hospital administrators.

“The key to cost-savings is in trimming the fat,” explained Wilcox, while sipping on a coffee mug made out of gold.  “How do we trim the fat?  Get rid of nurses, doctors, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, social workers, techs, physical therapists, occupational therapists, nutritionists, pharmacists, and so on.”  In Wilcox’s model known as the Superb Hospital of Ideal Things (SHIT), 1 nurse, 1 doctor, and 1 social worker “should be plenty” to staff a hospital with 10,000 patients.

GomerBlog asked Wilcox if he was worried about burnout.

“Of course, I’m worried about burnout,” said Wilcox, as he got his shoes shined by a fleet of laid off health care practitioners.  “That’s why we want to have more administrators, so that we can thrive and continue to administrate the hell out of this place.”

Wilcox believes a true golden age of medicine is on the horizon so it is in the best interest of health care practitioners to let go and let administrators do their thing.

“They say we’re at a disadvantage because we know nothing about medicine,” said Wilcox, defending fellow hospital administrators.  “Let me say this: medicine is practiced in a hospital and I run that hospital.   So suck it.”

Wilcox believes there are ways to save besides cutting essential health care staff.  Ideas include replacing electricity with candles; substituting soap, water, and alcohol-based sanitizers with pestilence and disease; removing electronic medical records and paper charts in favor of stone and chisel or feather pens and scrolls; and possibly tearing down the hospital entirely and just providing care in open parking lots naked, thereby saving on hospital gowns, scrubs, and white coats.

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Andrea WM

    “So suck it.” That sounds about right.

  • Avatar
    Ali Anne

    hahahaaaaaaaaaaa!

  • Avatar
    William Puffinbarger

    like the VA!!

  • Avatar
    Sofia Taboada

    This is the most awesome article you’ve published thus far… :)

  • Avatar
    Eric P Jeanise

    Isn’t that HCA?

  • Avatar
    Don Juan

    Lindsey Burrell

  • Avatar
    Stephen Bailey

    Let’s be real. There should be half of that many administrators, the other half need to be replaced with press ganey associates or “patient” fluffers. Remember it’s all about the press ganey!!! Morbidity and mortality….. What’s that???

  • Avatar
    Tommy Gallagher

    Why I left medicine

  • Avatar
    Melinda Cash

    I have snorted over this all night. I love it. So very very very true.

  • Avatar
    Mary Dunlavy

    Nathan Thordarson

  • Avatar
    Marci Delaney

    Sandra Falwell insert tongue in cheek here:

  • Avatar
    Melvin Gindt

    Who is Katherine Melvin Jeanette?

  • Avatar
    Kimberly Raines

    I am living the dream! :(

  • Avatar
    Alicia Brink

    Will need at least 20,000 to administer the patient satisfaction scores.

  • Avatar
    Teresa Phelan

    Lou Redknap !!

  • Avatar
    Monica McKnight

    lmao SHIT I love it

  • Avatar
    John Hurley

    When you’re a bean counter, all you see are beans…..

  • Avatar
    Cricket Adriana

    Holy $#!+

  • Avatar
    Cricket Adriana

    “Let me say this: medicine is practiced in a hospital and I run that hospital. So suck it.”

    I AM DEAD.

  • Avatar
    Evan Beavers

    They’ll need a few “Bobs” as well for good measure!

  • Avatar
    Jessica Brown

    Eric Bovey

  • Avatar
    Mike Annecchino

    Lol SHIT

  • Avatar
    Adrian Miclea

    But who will they nag and hover over and second guess?

  • Avatar
    Justin Hamlin

    This would be satire, if it weren’t absolutely true. :

  • Avatar
    Wanda Gonzalez

    Or sick leave….

  • Avatar
    Rib Pfau

    Sometimes I think I already work here…..

  • Avatar
    Cindy Mitchell

    And then let’s make sure all the patients complain about how rich the one doctor is and how he only cares about all the money he makes while he runs from room to room seeing all 10,000 patients by himself. And then let’s fire that doctor for poor patient satisfaction scores.

  • Avatar
    M Hamilton Love

    Tracey Kuhn, and definitely no nurses. We are useless.

  • Avatar
    Joanna Sprague

    And 1 aide and 2 nurses right?

  • Avatar
    Bobbie Finn Schneller

    The ratio seems a touch low… 2:1 might be better

  • Avatar
    Bekkah Anderson

    Have to plan for their golf days.

  • Avatar
    Natasha Adams

    Katherine Melvin Jeanette

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Camden

    Sounds good as long as they’re handling the patient care.

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    And they can hire some consultants to do studies about how to “improve the process” and “do more with less” on the off chance this doesn’t work out. YES!!! Administrate the hell out of it, baby! Patent outcomes? Psh!! Dead people are ALWAYS satisfied, and in the end, that’s what really counts. ;-)

  • Avatar
    ScotandLorinda Stahley

    Stupid

  • Avatar
    ScotandLorinda Stahley

    Stupid

  • Avatar
    Dewey Whitecotton

    I’m sure you they would not let you say Chiefs and Indians. However I agree with you. LOL

  • Avatar
    Dewey Whitecotton

    I’m sure you they would not let you say Chiefs and Indians. However I agree with you. LOL

  • Avatar
    Mark Vadney

    A pure Utopia, how can we fix what is wrong with healthcare, if we don’t have more administrators to tell us we are doing it wrong. I think a plan should be immediately implemented to fly our administrators to Las Vegas and Boca Raton on fact finding missions to visit other administrators and pay them to come to our hospital and tell us why their new program will help us succeed with identifying the ways to improve satisfaction scores without actually improving anything.

    The new catchy ways promoting hospitals that have absolutely nothing to do with patient care is the next big thing. The newest training seminars that are being mandated for all staff is the DEATH ( Downplay Education And Teach Hackneyed) So with administrations help DEATH will be coming to your hospital.

  • Avatar
    Mark Vadney

    A pure Utopia, how can we fix what is wrong with healthcare, if we don’t have more administrators to tell us we are doing it wrong. I think a plan should be immediately implemented to fly our administrators to Las Vegas and Boca Raton on fact finding missions to visit other administrators and pay them to come to our hospital and tell us why their new program will help us succeed with identifying the ways to improve satisfaction scores without actually improving anything.

    The new catchy ways promoting hospitals that have absolutely nothing to do with patient care is the next big thing. The newest training seminars that are being mandated for all staff is the DEATH ( Downplay Education And Teach Hackneyed) So with administrations help DEATH will be coming to your hospital.

  • Avatar
    Shannon Lamb

    Had never heard of this site till I saw your posts on it. It’s hilarious. The Internet version of house of God. Love it.

  • Avatar
    Shannon Lamb

    Had never heard of this site till I saw your posts on it. It’s hilarious. The Internet version of house of God. Love it.

  • Avatar
    Joshua Hodgkins

    This sounds about right

  • Avatar
    Joshua Hodgkins

    This sounds about right

  • Avatar
    Whitney Daum

    Too many Chiefs, not enough Indians

  • Avatar
    Elaine Salisbury

    Sounds like the VA.

  • Avatar
    Pamela Svendsen

    Not so far from the truth.

  • Avatar
    Jackie Lemley Criss

    Love this. SO accurate, lol

  • Avatar
    Dr-Roc Joosab

    A colosseum for nosocomial sepsis

  • Avatar
    Bernadene Lawrence-Phillip

    And no Damn bedside staff to actually care for the patients right?? Smh.

  • Avatar
    Sam Stevens

    John Farey

  • Avatar
    Lila Kim Sierra

    “Essential medical personnel” isn’t really essential;p. Lol

  • Avatar
    Anthony Arslan

    A 1:1 bed to administrator ratio is too much work… will they be ok so short staffed? Maybe an extra 1000 admins for good measure.

  • Avatar
    Chris Lee

    9,999 of them being utilization review peeps

  • Avatar
    Rachel Envy Gilmore

    thats why you get ripped off

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