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Good morning, Dr Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.  Thanks for taking a moment out of your busy hospitalist day to stop by my office as I had requested.  Have a seat.  Yes, that’s a gold-plated chair, thanks!  I used some of last year’s bonus to import this from Burma. Now, I’ve been reviewing the data I’ve been compiling about you, and it’s evident to hospital administration that you’re not being a team player.  We need you to follow our commands about what you need to do first everyday.  Let me make things clear to you so you can organize your priorities the right way.

Administration wants you to see potential discharges first.  We need that room to be emptied out and cleaned for the next customer. That’s why we’re asking you to enter all discharge orders by 8 am everyday.  What? What do mean about needing stress test and endoscopy results first?  That’s an issue with the time-space continuum, not our problem.  Just figure it out.

Also, administration wants you to see patients admitted overnight but still stuck in the ER first.  They need to be a top priority because those patients tend to give poor satisfaction scores as a result of not promptly getting a bed upstairs.

On that note, administration wants you to see all dissatisfied or anxious patients first.  We need to make comforting them a top priority.

In addition, hospital administration wants you to see critically-ill or unstable patients first. They’re sick, so this goes without saying.

By the way, we need you to respond to your coding queries first every morning.  It’s important for us to submit maximized billing as soon as possible, so make this a priority.

Don’t forget to enter admission orders for new patients first.  We have given you the gift of a highly-inefficient DOS-based medical order entry system.  This should be a breeze.  You just need to get with the program and make this a priority.

Dr Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, I see that you’ve been paged several times during our chat now.  Make sure you respond to those pages first.

What?  Oh, you’re being paged about an angry family in room 268 wanting to go over test results now?  See them first.

Well, I hope this clarifies things for you.  As a hospitalist, you’re expected to tow the line for hospital administration.  Besides, you have a financial incentive to comply because if you don’t meet our benchmarks, then your pay will be docked.  Maybe now you understand a little better how to organize your day.

What’s that?  Did you just ask for a potty break or your first meal since lunch yesterday? Those will have to wait.

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Dr Pablo Pistola
Dr Pablo Pistola had become increasingly dissatisfied with satisfaction-based forces in medicine. He felt like a doctor without a purpose. He subsequently embarked on a 7 year twerking quest in the Himalayan foothills to find his true calling. During this journey, he realized that he has a secret talent: his immense knowledge about women. He understands them. Legend has it that he can size up a woman’s soul in a mere instant. He didn’t ask for these powers. But with great powers come great responsibilities. So Dr Pablo Pistola (double-board certified in Love Medicine & Romance Medicine, with fellowship training in Seduction Medicine) has been dabbling in satirical erotic writing. And if satirical erotic writing can offer a viable exit strategy from medicine, then the world will be a better place. His responsibility is to bring the stories of lust to you. He also is an avid life-long Miami Heat fan. Follow him on twitter at @drpablopistola