Thursday, March 28, 2024

Emergency Medicine

annoyed doctor stage 4 decubitus ulcer

20 Out of 10 Medical Providers Annoyed by Patients’ Misuse of Pain Scales

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ATLANTA, GA - According to a new study by the Centers for Pain Control & Other Nonsense (CPCON), a whopping 20 out of 10 medical providers are annoyed by the gross and exaggerated misuse...
arterial line circle of willis CPR emergency department butthurt audacity code shift change prior authorization otherwise stable

Patient Admitted with Life-Threatening Butthurt Exacerbation

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CHICAGO, IL - "Move people, this guy's crashing!" EMTs yelled, asking everyone to get out of their way as they aggressively carried 33-year-old Alexander Touchy-Feely into one of the trauma rooms so treatment could...
happy hour for health care workers

Hospital Enacts New Mandatory Happy Hour for Employees

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BOSTON, MA - "Go figure out the best way to improve patient safety and medical care at our hospital," was the charge that CEO of Memorial Hospital, Dr. Gina Stockdale, posed to her panel members....

Super Mario in Critical Condition, Mistakes Deadly Amanita for 1-Up Mushroom

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WORLD 7-2, MUSHROOM KINGDOM - Beloved Italian hero and plumber Super Mario is currently in critical condition at an area World 7-2 hospital after he mistakenly consumed a deadly Amanita mushroom during a routine quest...

Intern Singing Bee Gees During Code

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What began as a routine code on the dialysis unit turned euphonic this past Wednesday morning after new intern Rob Eide began audibly singing 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees while administering chest compressions. "At...
Snorlax, Pokémon

Pokémon Go Update: Snorlax Found Down, Intubated

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ATLANTA, GA - Anesthesiologist and Pokémon Go addict Tobey Matthews was using augmented reality to explore life on the other side of the anesthesiology drape when he spotted Snorlax in an adjacent operating room....

Psychiatric Screamers to Replace Screeners in ERs

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Given the continued emphasis on cost cutting, implementing effective measures, and streamlining services in healthcare, some cutting-edge emergency departments are moving from their usual psychiatric screeners to psychiatric screamers. This is the brainchild of...

Inventor of “Dimaudid” Takes Company Public, Makes Billions

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NEW YORK, NY - An attending physician of emergency medicine at New York City Hospital recently took her private pharmaceutical company public, making a personal profit of two billion dollars in a single day,...
em entrance

CDC Bans Certain Phrases from Use by Patients in the Emergency Department

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Failure to adhere to these and other evidence-based rules could lead to fines, imprisonment, or to patients losing their entitlement to high quality emergency medical care. These “science-based” rules apply to vulnerable patients of...

Patient Able to Get Dilaudid Just Before Leaving AMA

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JACKSONVILLE, FL – Michael Redmond - a patient so regular to St. Joseph Hospital’s ER that if he doesn’t show up for a couple days, the staff gets worried that he may be actually sick...