Internal Medicine

Latest Research Suggests That a Nice Family Prognosticates Mortality in the Intensive Care Unit

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ABSTRACT Background A group of 1594 (667 were excluded for lack of relative personality traits) patients in a large metropolitan hospital were enrolled in a research study that aims to prove that having a kind, genial,...

Local Hospitalist Accidentally Writes Best-Selling Fantasy Novel While Trying to Change EMR Password

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DETROIT, MI - Just last week, local hospitalist Dr. Blake Harrison came across a scenario that seems to happen every 20 minutes these days: his electronic medical record (EMR) profile alerted him that he...

Need to Renew Your ACLS? New Interactive Code Blue Simulator, ‘Resusci-A**hole,’ Yells Obscenities...

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It’s that time again. Time for you to buck up and go get your ACLS renewed before it expires. Everyone knows that after a certain number of years in the medical field, renewing ones...

Middle School Dance Put on Contact Precautions

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Following the shocking display of "grinding" at last Fall's Homecoming dance, local Gandy Middle School PTA President, Karen Sterling, pushed to prophylactically put the Spring Formal on contact precautions in anticipation of another possible...

Curious Med Student Smells Finger After Digital Rectal Exam

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BOSTON, MA – At the nation’s most prestigious medical school, Harvard Medical School, students were taught how to perform a digital rectal examination (DRE) on real patients for the first time. The DRE is...

Everyone, We Mean EVERYONE, Bored at Tumor Board

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BALTIMORE, MD - With each additional minute that Dr. Parathyrus struggled to log into PACS, the feeling of lethargy in the room became more and more palpable. “Gosh darn it, I think I’m going to...

Off-Service Intern Writes Pulitzer Prize Winning Provider Note While EM Resident Sees Thirty Patients

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“I just want to get the voice right,” said brand-new internal medicine resident Dr. Joseph Green. “Like, I want to paint a picture of her pain that feels real. I want the texture, the...
champagne tap cava

Not Quite: Intern Claims Champagne Tap After Sticking Bottle of Moët & Chandon

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BOSTON, MA - An intern’s initial excitement was quickly reeled in after his team pointed out that sticking a spinal needle through cork of a bottle of Moët & Chandon Imperial Brut did not...
moonupping sundowning

Sundowning to be Referred to as Moonupping from Hereonin

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LOS ANGELES, CA - The American Academy of Naming Medical Things (AANMT) has issued a mandated that sundowning will now be referred to as moonupping until further notice.  The terminology switch is effective at...
Ensure Keg

In Response to High Demand, Ensure Now Available in Keg Form

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LAKE BLUFF, IL - You spoke and they listened: Abbott Laboratories, maker of nutritional supplements, has announced that their product Ensure is now available in a 15.5 gallon keg form. “Ensure consumers are a loyal...