Cafeteria’s Salmonella Special Particularly Tasty Today
MIAMI, FL - Staff at Miami Medical Center are impressed with the hospital cafeteria's offerings today, which include the usual stalwarts like the Burnt...
CDC Recommends Against Finding Hypodermic Needles in a Haystack
ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says there is minimal risk associated with the search for a regular needle in...
Labile Guidelines: ACC/AHA Hypertension Cutoff Now 180/100
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last month, several societies including the American College of Cardiology (ACC) and American Heart Association (AHA) redefined hypertension as greater than...
Reminder: Vasopressin First-Line for Treatment of Sticker Shock
MOUNT PROSPECT, IL - With holiday shopping in full swing, the Society of Critical Care Medicine (SCCM) is reminding health care professionals that vasopressin...
Breaking: Biologists Reclassify Millenials as Fomo Sapiens
WASHINGTON, D.C. - As a result of the known high prevalence of fear of missing out or "FOMO" among millenials, American biologists have undertaken...
Wow, That’s Bold: CDC Says ‘Zero People’ Will Catch the Flu This Year
ATLANTA, GA - Exuding tremendous confidence, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has announced that it plans on pitching a no-hitter this...
One Week Later, Americans Finally Waking Up from Post-Prandial Thanksgiving State
FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA - Though Thanksgiving dinner took place one week ago today, serum tryptophan levels are finally receding and Americans are...
Captive Breeding to Stave Off Dwindling Population of Nice Patients
WASHINGTON, D.C. - With nice patients finally placed on the endangered species list, conservationists have been tasked with trying increase the population of nice...
Breaking: Hurricane JCAHO to Obliterate All Open Beverage Containers in Its Path
CAPE VERDE - The National Hurricane Center has detected the most powerful hurricane just yet. Named Hurricane JCAHO, the projected Category 5 Cape Verde...
To Reduce Carbon Dioxide, CDC Recommends Against Exhalation
ATLANTA, GA - In an effort to help reduce atmospheric carbon dioxide (CO2) levels, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has issued...