New York City, NY –For the past year, Effin Cluless FNP, DNP, RN, MSN, BLS, ACLS, GED, BFD, OPP, OMG, FFS has been he CEO of the Hospital for Regular Surgery (HRS) in New York City. He prides himself on keeping a finger on the pulse of the worker bees at HRS whose work pays his astronomical salary; the physicians. This is why he was devastated when he realized at 3PM on March 30 that he had forgotten it was Doctor’s Day!

Happy Doctor’s Minute from your Hospital Administration!

In a self-described “brilliant move straight out of hospital leadership textbooks,” Cluless found his email that he had sent out for Nurse’s week last May, copied the first paragraph into a new email, and changed the heading to “Dear Doctors” from “Dear Nurses.” He then typed the following “As I know you are all too busy making lots of money for your beloved administrators to celebrate a full day, I offer a heartfelt thank you and kudos to all of you in this very efficient Doctor’s Minute.” After clicking send, Cluless sat back smiling knowing he had certainly made the days of countless doctors at HRS with his email.

“Honestly, it was the very absolute least I could do. We give gifts for nurse’s week, medical assistant week, physician assistant week, and administrator’s month, but we know most doctors make 20% of my salary or even more!” Cluless explained.

“They don’t need a physical token of appreciation, what they need is a mass email with a return receipt request sent right before I go home for the day at 3PM. I don’t know if every physician in our system is going to print out this email and hang it on their fridge at home, but I’d like to think they do.”

Last year, Doctors received a heartfelt thank you in person, however due to Cluless not realizing that it was Doctor’s day until 20 minutes after his normal departure time, there clearly was not time for in person thanks and a genuine e-mail thank you would have to suffice. 

“I believe that our Doctors know we appreciate them based on everything we do for them throughout the year. Our Doctors have to see all the things we do to show our appreciation for them including the mandatory online wellness training, new EMR changes that help us track their productivity, and keeping their pay stagnant while the Administration gets 25% raises annually.”

“Our Doctors know how much we appreciate efficiency as we keep increasing their work and administrative load while decreasing support staff. If they can see 50 patients in one clinic day, they can surely receive a whole day’s worth of appreciation in their Doctor’s minute!” Cluless explained as he climbed into his Tesla Model Y in his reserved parking spot. 

Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal