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SPOKANE, WA – In a stunning development, believed to be the first of its kind here at Southern Spokane University Hospital, a patient is currently being brought into the OR without a single word of protest by the anesthesiologist, Dr. Sheila B. Doing-Crosswords. Remarkably, this is happening less than thirty minutes before a shift change.

I'm going to hate this more than you, it's 3:30
I’m going to hate this more than you, it’s 3:30

The news broke just three minutes ago, just after the pre-op nurse confirmed that the consents were all signed and witnessed at the exact same time and done in the correct language.  The patient, a thirty-year-old male with no medical problems, was scheduled for an examination under anesthesia, a procedure which carries zero risk of blood loss and does not require the administration of any perioperative antibiotics.

The surgical resident covering the case, Dr. L. Ways Ready, remarked, “I know how the anesthesia team likes to make sure our patients are completely and utterly healthy, so when I prepare the patients for surgical scheduling, I now order a ‘one of everything’ – a special selection available from our in-house lab that covers everything from a complete blood count (CBC) to serum vitamin D levels to genetic karyotype analysis.  This way, the anesthesia team can’t say we’re missing a thyroid function test, or we need to get an amylase, or measure the patient’s level of C-peptide before the case.”

When asked for comment, Dr. Sheila B. Doing-Crosswords responded remorsefully, “I suppose I could have tried harder to cancel this case, but the patient doesn’t have hypertension, or a bad airway, or bad veins.  He has no known allergies and has already had surgery and didn’t have any reactions toward anesthesia.  Finally, he speaks English, so I couldn’t ask for the consent in another language, and he is male, so a urine pregnancy test is probably not warranted.  It looks like I’m just going to have to do the paperwork, put him under, and do some Sudoku or online shopping until I get relieved fifteen minutes later.”

There has been no word of yet as to whether she will shop for shoes or a new blouse, but if history is any indication, she will most likely be browsing the Zappos app on her iPad.  You can be sure that we will keep you posted if she manages to get a great deal.  She will have plenty of time to browse because the surgery team just added on an elective 5 p.m. lipoma removal.

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  • Joan Durand

    This is stupid garbage.

  • Kevin M. Donohue

    Kahn Saba

  • Erin Dawkins

    Come on Steve, lighten up! This “satire” is spot on. Or are you one of those “— kissers”?

  • Steve Moylan

    While this satire does have elements of truth to it I’ve only ever seen an attending cx a case once..

  • Holly Novack

    :( the link won’t work

  • Kerrie Pinkney

    Great!!

  • Kerrie Pinkney

    Great!!

  • Michelle Naylor

    Stephanie Davison Iannazzo

  • Michelle Naylor

    Stephanie Davison Iannazzo

  • Ana Lisa Ramirez-Chapman

    lol! Give him a hot dog!

  • Ana Lisa Ramirez-Chapman

    lol! Give him a hot dog!

  • Lori Orosz

    Brady Beauchamp

  • Lori Orosz

    Brady Beauchamp

  • Mario J Carmosino

    Surgeon declares case an absolute emergency after five (when finished with clinic) but changes mind to “it can wait for tomorrow” when realizes she can’t finish case in time to get to spin class…

  • Erica Nickeson Haake

    Ana Lisa Ramirez-Chapman, Joseph Mueller this is for you

  • Victoria Morgan

    Jason Morgan

  • Derrick Colmenar

    could’ve “inadvertently” left behind a snickers bar…

  • Lisa Sieczkowski

    Stephen

  • James Robertson

    Lmao!

  • Suzanne Maynard

    I order shoes from Nordstrom, not Zappos so I can get the points.

  • Krista Turner

    Crap I love gomerblog

  • Andrew Tan

    Impossible. There is always a potential reason. The anesthesiologist must have been tired and off their game.

  • Michele Hogan

    I would have cancelled to rule out ST changes v. artifacts if I hadn’t had lunch yet. Just sayin. You can always find SOMETHING.

  • Bou Ghatti

    Chris Prunean

  • Zoe Haruyama

    Brett Custodia

  • Robert Wedge

    Yeah… That ecg looks like it’s got an old inferior infarct so he needs cardiac clearance. We have to cancel.

  • Jen Culver Lemuz

    Holly

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