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SPOKANE, WA – In a stunning development, believed to be the first of its kind here at Southern Spokane University Hospital, a patient is currently being brought into the OR without a single word of protest by the anesthesiologist, Dr. Sheila B. Doing-Crosswords. Remarkably, this is happening less than thirty minutes before a shift change.

I'm going to hate this more than you, it's 3:30
I’m going to hate this more than you, it’s 3:30

The news broke just three minutes ago, just after the pre-op nurse confirmed that the consents were all signed and witnessed at the exact same time and done in the correct language.  The patient, a thirty-year-old male with no medical problems, was scheduled for an examination under anesthesia, a procedure which carries zero risk of blood loss and does not require the administration of any perioperative antibiotics.

The surgical resident covering the case, Dr. L. Ways Ready, remarked, “I know how the anesthesia team likes to make sure our patients are completely and utterly healthy, so when I prepare the patients for surgical scheduling, I now order a ‘one of everything’ – a special selection available from our in-house lab that covers everything from a complete blood count (CBC) to serum vitamin D levels to genetic karyotype analysis.  This way, the anesthesia team can’t say we’re missing a thyroid function test, or we need to get an amylase, or measure the patient’s level of C-peptide before the case.”

When asked for comment, Dr. Sheila B. Doing-Crosswords responded remorsefully, “I suppose I could have tried harder to cancel this case, but the patient doesn’t have hypertension, or a bad airway, or bad veins.  He has no known allergies and has already had surgery and didn’t have any reactions toward anesthesia.  Finally, he speaks English, so I couldn’t ask for the consent in another language, and he is male, so a urine pregnancy test is probably not warranted.  It looks like I’m just going to have to do the paperwork, put him under, and do some Sudoku or online shopping until I get relieved fifteen minutes later.”

There has been no word of yet as to whether she will shop for shoes or a new blouse, but if history is any indication, she will most likely be browsing the Zappos app on her iPad.  You can be sure that we will keep you posted if she manages to get a great deal.  She will have plenty of time to browse because the surgery team just added on an elective 5 p.m. lipoma removal.

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    "The eldest son of Ill N. Fill Jr, M.D., a widely renowned carpenter (who also happened to have a medical degree), Dr. Fill III is a self-proclaimed "O.G.". He has never paid to be a "Top Doctor" however, he bears the title of "illinest doctor East of the Mississippi" and is "the popularest guy in the OR". He is very good at drilling holes in bones, and filling those holes with titanium screws. He loves to drill, and to fill. He has even drilled and filled before morning rounds, and once during a carpal tunnel release. He is best known for holding his drill sideways, a technique he has described and submitted (unsuccessfully) to multiple journals under the title "Gangsta". When he is neither drilling nor filling, Dr. Fill III likes to listen to hardcore 90's rap while writing articles for Gomerblog, which allows him to channel all the rage that other services create inside of him when they try to "cramp his style" and keep him from drilling and/or filling. His favorite pasttime is "power tools." That is also what he wrote down for "favorite food," "favorite color," and "sex." He may or may not be illiterate. But he sure can drill a hole.

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