NC Hospital Offers Discounted Craniotomy with ATV Purchase


WINSTON-SALEM, NC – With hunting season fast approaching, a North Carolina hospital has made a controversial move: they have partnered with an ATV dealership to offer a discounted craniotomy coupon to purchasers of the notoriously unstable vehicles.  Specifically, Salem General Hospital will provide a coupon worth up to 50% off a trauma craniotomy and a fixed $1000 credit toward a neuro ICU stay with the purchase of any new all-terrain vehicle between now and June 31, 2015.

atv craniotomy
“I can’t believe a craniotomy discount was included!!!!”

Salem neurosurgeon, Dr. John Barrow said, “This is a great move by the hospital and I have been a big supporter from day one.  The hospital gets a kickback from the dealership to cover the expenses, and our patients can get a convenient package deal on the all-terrain vehicle they want, and the subdural hematoma evacuation they will inevitably need.”

Jim Dugan, owner of Dugan’s Outdoor Sports World, couldn’t be happier with the arrangement.  “I’ve known for ages that every ATV purchaser would eventually need emergency brain surgery, but in the past I had no way to help my customers save money on their virtually certain neurosurgical bills.”

He added, “The package assures me additional sales, and guarantees a steady flow of neurotrauma admissions for Salem General.  It’s really a win-win.”

Some community advocates criticized the program, stating that the money should instead be used to provide helmets and safety training for ATV purchasers.  Dr. Barrow strongly disagrees.  “Please,” he said.  “The state has been offering those for free for decades.  Everyone knows ATV purchasers are uninterested in wearing helmets, and the few who do simply transmit the force of the predestined tree impact into their cervical spines.”

Thus far, Dugan has sold 23 vehicles under the new program, and Salem has admitted 18 riders for traumatic brain injury, 17 of whom required surgical treatment.  “This is really a financial windfall,” said Kara Jackson, hospital VP of Clinical Services.  “The coupon costs us, what, a few thousand bucks?  And it essentially guarantees that we will admit someone with an intracranial hemorrhage every day of whitetail season.  It’s the best decision we made since sending every newborn home with a roll of honey coated candy-colored plastic bags.”

At press time, having gotten wind of the uptick in joint sales effected by this package, it was reported that the Cooors brewing company was about to announce a free case of beer with each ATV purchase, saying, “The only thing that goes with ATVs better than emergent neurosurgical intervention is a beer as frigid as the Rockies.”