NEW ORLEANS, LA – Local hospitalist Marcel Beignet was shocked and aghast to learn from colleagues today that banana bags, which are used to treat patients with nutritional deficiencies, are not made with bananas or any real fruit whatsoever.
“That’s HORSECRAP!” exclaims Beignet in utter disbelief. “It’s a banana bag! BANANA bag. What else could possibly be in it? Nothing! It MUST contain bananas!! Why else would you call it that? Have we gone MAD???!!!”
For decades, Beignet has been under the impression that banana bags are made with one liter of freshly-squeezed bananas, which are first harvested and hand-picked by medical students and interns throughout the Caribbean and Central and South America before being exported to the hospital where they are skillfully squeezed by the hands of hundreds if not thousands of laboring nutritionists and pharmacists before being packaged and tubed to the floor.
“Yeah… no, that’s not the case,” remarks pharmacist Dominick Crawfish, demonstrating how to make a banana bag very matter-of-factly. “I just mix some multivitamin, thiamine, folate, and magnesium with normal saline. That’s really all there is to it.”
“NONSENSE!” shouted a stubborn and salty Beignet. “You can’t fool me. If bananas aren’t used in banana bags, then what about when I order grapefruit, watermelon, or passion fruit bags? You’re telling me those are just bags of vitamins too? That’s a load of bull-”
“Yeah… no, we don’t use fresh squeezed fruits or vegetables down in pharmacy,” responded Crawfish, shaking his head. “That doctor’s a bit nuts. It’s just easier to send him IV fluids with some food coloring and call it whatever he wants. I really don’t want to argue about grapefruits, apples, or melons to be honest. But shhh. Don’t tell him I said that.”
