OCEANSIDE, NY – Inpatient pharmacist Mark Donato, beloved and trusted by his fellow physicians and other medical providers for being able to “dose anything,” was spotted at a local diner last night struggling to calculate his dinner tip.

“I wish I could bring this to dinner to help me calculate tip…”

“So the total is $25 and I want to tip about 15 to 20%, so that means…” Donato muttered out loud in an obvious struggle.  “Three dollars?  No, that can’t be right…”

Just before heading to dinner, Donato helped hospitalist Jason Moran dose vancomycin & Zosyn in a patient with both end-stage renal disease (ESRD) and suspected healthcare-associated pneumonia (HCAP), and called family practitioner Jennifer Miller to adjust Coumadin to make sure a patient’s INR stayed at goal.  Donato was also present during a Code Blue and was pivotal in getting the medical team all the meds requested.

“I got it, then tip is $10, right?  Darn it, now it seems like too much!” said Donato, his brain clearly fried from a long day’s work.  “UGH, why can’t I get this?”  He pulled over his waitress.  “I don’t have to renally dose this tip, do I?  Do you have an abacus?”

Incidentally, critical care attending and friend of Donato, Karen McDonough, was seated just two tables over, watching the scene.

“Poor Mark, he shouldn’t be too hard on himself,” said McDonough.  “It’s just one of those realities for any medical professional: we can calculate things, deal and dispense dosages in a pinch, use fancy equations, but we can’t calculate a tip for the life of us.”  Just as she finished her comment, a waiter dropped off her check.  “NOOO!!!  Give me an A-a gradient or even a triple acid-base disorder, anything!  Anything but THIS!”



  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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