INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Alice Wilkinson was admitted last night after she was found down by her roommate, convulsing next to her smartphone. Her roommate, who wishes to remain anonymous (Kate Townsend), called 911 and EMS brought her downtown to Methodist Hospital. Though work-up is still in process, her medical team fears the worst: Facebook overdose.
“She was 4 for 4 on her CAGE questionnaire,” said ICU attending Dani Rodriguez, whose post about yesterday’s lunch has 25 likes. “Has she felt the need to cut down on Facebook? Yes. Has she felt annoyed by people criticizing her Facebook use? Yes. Has she felt guilty about using Facebook? Yes. Does she use FB first thing in the morning to steady her nerves? Yes.”
According to her roommate, Wilkinson was using Facebook “every waking moment, sometimes up to 20 hours per day.” Wilkinson has forgotten to feed herself or even drink water, and has become malnourished. “She even uses FB in the shower, those rare times she does shower, sometimes mistaking her smartphone for a bar of soap,” her roommate added. Ironically, social media has pushed her into social isolation: she likes pictures of her parents and siblings, though she hasn’t actually seen or spoken to them in years.
“She supposedly changes her status at least 10 times per day,” said Rodriquez while quickly scrolling through his feed, looking for nothing in particular. “It’s not so much Facebook status as it is status Facebook.” She shows GomerBlog an EEG, which Rodriguez says alternates between seizure activity and being “as close to brain dead without actually being brain dead.”
Wilkinson is still in critical condition, but Rodriguez is hopeful that she will recover, though it may be a very slow process. In other words, her clinical condition is best described by a sad emoji.
“She’s still on Ativan and propofol drips to help with the FTs, Facebook tremens,” Rodriguez explained while taking another unflattering selfie. “She keeps hallucinating giant thumbs-up symbols and the voice of Mark Zuckerberg, so we’re definitely not out of the woods yet.”
As of 9 AM this morning, Wilkinson’s post about being hospitalized has zero likes.
