PORTLAND, OR – Nurse Ruth Scrittle, ASN, BSN, MSN, DNP, RN, MBA, CEN, ACLS, CENP, FAEN, is actively petitioning to have additional letters added to the alphabet in order to increase the length of post-nominal letters in her signature block. It currently stands at a mere 32 letters.
“I remember when I first met Ruth Scrittle or Dr. Scrittle as she likes us to call her,” said Steven Jones, a nurse that was recently hired by Happy Valley Hospital. “I initially thought she was a stroke survivor because she seemed to have a slight left-sided kant when she walked, but eventually I realized that it was the shear weight of all the thread for all the embroidery on her white coat was weighing her left side down.”
Scrittle’s signature line might read like some kind of Lovecraftian hell’s version of alphabet soup, but nursing administrators throughout the health system are applauding her efforts.
“The majority of people out there don’t understand how important this is to administrative nursing. Since we basically have limited to no clinical nursing skill sets, our hierarchy is determined by the size and strength of our post nominals,” said Ann Banal, IHNC. When asked what IHNC stood for replied, “I Have No Credentials.”
Scrittle has also begun investigating having Orwellian Newspeak officially adopted as a new source of credentialing abbreviations. Newspeak originates from Orwell’s novel “Nineteen Eighty-Four” and aims to remove all shades of meaning from language and reinforce the total dominance of the Administration. When asked if introducing a fictitious language was a reasonable plan to lengthen one’s signature line, one floor nurse replied, “On the contrary I think there is real merit for it in it’s poetic irony.”
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