WASHINGTON, D.C. – Orthopedic Surgeon General of the United States Dr. Brock Hammersley has announced he will declare today a national holiday honoring all bones – past, present, and future – who have served these great bodies of ours. He has named this holiday National Bone Day.
“Bones mean a lot to me, they mean a lot to all of us in the orthopedic community, and they should mean a lot to every citizen,” explained Hammersley in a letter addressed to every American with a skeleton. “That’s why I’ve created Bone Day. So we can reflect and maybe even have a glass of milk.”
Hammersley consulted the Surgeon General Vivek Murthy and Hospitalist General Amanda Jackson, both of whom lent their support but wouldn’t leave a formal statement until tomorrow since Hammersley hadn’t contacted them until 6 PM. Newly-appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services and former orthopod Tom Price also approves.
“When was the last time we all took a moment to thank the 206 bones in our body for carrying around all our weight?” Hammersley continued. “We must thank them for their service. They don’t get all the fame and glamour like skin does, or the ooohs and ahhhs that nice abs and biceps receive. That’s a little unfair, don’t you think?”
Hammersley makes a point. He went on to argue, and correctly so, that without bones and the collection of bones known as skeletons, our other organ systems would be nothing but gelatinous, disgusting puddles on the floor, which we’d all slip on. Thankfully we wouldn’t break any bones either, but that’s bedsides the point.
“I originally wanted to make it a 206-day holiday, but Murthy told me that was a stretch,” commented Hammersley. “I tried, guys. I tried.”
Many of the other healthcare generals are looking into national holidays for their organ systems. The Hematology-Oncology General Travis Myers really likes the idea of Blood Day falling on a Sunday, thanks to U2’s “Sunday Bloody Sunday.” The Psychiatrist General Juan Morales is a Bangles fan and would love to a create a national holiday called Manic Monday.