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ATLANTA, GA – Commenting their status as backline healthcare workers, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has recommended medical students get vaccinated against COVID-19, but only after the general population, cacti, several species of toads, and humpback whales do so first.

The Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 vaccine was the first in the United States green-lit for Emergency Use Authorization by the Food and Drug Administration, with the Moderna vaccine earning approval shortly thereafter. The initial rollout of the first dose of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine has targeted two main groups: residents of long-term care facilities & health care personnel. Definitely not medical students.

The next targets would include people with underlying medical conditions that put them at significantly higher risk, older adults living in crowded settings, teachers, child care workers, and essential workers, with the eventual hope that the general population would get access to vaccines as Pfizer & Moderna continue to mass-produce them. But definitely not medical students.

“Once we have vaccinated the general population, we will then turn our attention to the next highest risk groups: fauna including cacti, amphibians including several species of toads, and aquatic life starting first with humpback whales,” explained CDC spokesperson Cazzie Barnes. “Only once every living creature in the United States has been vaccinated will the country’s medical students be next up in the queue.”

A statement released by the American Medical Student Association (AMSA) was optimistic and surprisingly upbeat. “We may be last but at least this time we’re not forgotten.” The nation’s cohort of frontline healthcare workers look forward to the day medical students get vaccinated so that they can help their medical and surgical teams with the essential task of obtaining a family history.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.