Obama Replaces Surgeon General with Nurse Practitioner General
WASHINGTON, D.C. - At a hastily-gathered press conference here today, President Obama announced that effective immediately, Surgeon General Rear Admiral (RADM) Boris D. Lushniak, MD, MPH, would be replaced by a 15-year veteran surgical...
Emergency Department to Stock Emergency Cyanide Kits for Staff Use
ROANOKE, VA - Hospital administration at Our Lady of the Chronic Abdominal Migraines Hospital in Roanoke has agreed to staff requests for emergency cyanide kits to be stocked in the Emergency Department Pyxis machine.
Each kit contains...
Joint Commission Mandates Extensive Timeout Prior to Initiating CPR
SAN ANTONIO, TX - Citing the shocking incidence of "never event" wrong-sided CPR (commonly known as WroSC), the Joint Commission issued new guidelines today mandating a 42-step timeout prior to the initiation of CPR...
CDC Warns of Emerging Disease Deemed ‘Panniculolithiasis’
ATLANTA, GA - The CDC has issued an advisory regarding a new disease being reported sporadically across the country. There have now been over 250 confirmed cases of what the agency has named “panniculolithiasis.”
The...
Ebola Virus: I’m Really Uncomfortable with All This Attention I’m Getting
Good morning, American citizens. Let me introduce myself: I'm the Ebola virus.
PLEASE! Calm down, calm down and please allow me a few words. I would really like to get a few things off my...
Shark Attack Victim Denied Narcotics
PENSACOLA BEACH, FL - Skip Sanders alternated between spearfishing and surfing, depending on the waves. Yesterday, an errant harpoon from his spear gun grazed a bull shark.
Chomping ensued.
Despite the loss of all four limbs, Skip managed...
Hospitals Now Offering Official Sponsorship
DENVER, CO - Historically hospitals have struggled to stay afloat, and have strived to maintain adequate staffing. Looking for answers, hospital administrators of St. Mary’s Hospital just had to look anywhere for funds.
"I was attending a...
Report: Hospital CEO Was a Big Help in Clinic Today
ST. LOUIS, MO – Outpatient care sources are reporting that Sacred Heart Hospital CEO David Larson III really helped out during clinic today.
"Dave really went the extra mile," said clinic nurse Wilma Doggins. "He...
Commentary: I Wish Someone Would Tell Me Why My Vagina Keeps Bleeding
My name is Valerie. I'm thirty-five years old and I've been blessed with good health my entire life. I'm happily married and have two beautiful children. I’m a teacher in an elementary school and...
Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl Wanders Off Medicine Floor, Gets Captured by Surgery
SAN ANTONIO, TX – Sgt. Bergdahl was being treated by an internal medicine team at Hope Mercy Hospital for routine care on Wednesday, when he wandered from his room and was captured by a prowling...
