Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Emergency Medicine

New CPR Guidelines Recommend Switching Out Providers Every 5 Cycles to Update Facebook Status

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ST. LOUIS, MO – The American Heart Association (AHA) conducted further research and has published the new 2014 recommendations for cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).  Basic Life Support (BLS) and Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) classes will...

Joint Commission Mandates Extensive Timeout Prior to Initiating CPR

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SAN ANTONIO, TX -  Citing the shocking incidence of "never event" wrong-sided CPR (commonly known as WroSC), the Joint Commission issued new guidelines today mandating a 42-step timeout prior to the initiation of CPR...

ER Nurses Delighted Not to Have Breaks, According to Managers

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SAN JOSE, CA - Chronically overworked ER nurses have complained for months about being overworked.  Finally, after months of meetings and discussions new policies have been enacted to address the issues. Although none of the members of...

Level 1 Drama Algorithm for the Emergency Department

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We have all been there when a Level 1 Drama call comes through the doors.  New evidence has led to the creation of a Level 1 Drama Algorithm which was recently published in the...

Residents No Longer Matched According to Last Name/Specialty Pun

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The National Residency Match Program (NRMP) is planning a small update in their mystical computer algorithms which will erase one of US healthcare's greatest shames: the last-name/specialty pun. "Dr. Payne the anesthesiologist.  Dr. Miner the...
An alcoholic dream

Alcoholic Fills Out Negative Patient Survey for Care Received on Christmas Morning

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NEW ORLEANS, LA - 52-year-old Milton Applewood, a raging alcoholic who visits Holy Cross Hospital on a weekly basis, was appalled at the medical care he received on Christmas morning. “Absolutely trashed,” proclaimed Applewood in...
CPR

CPR Guidelines Made Even Simpler

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Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was replaced by only chest compression in 2008 after a slow de-emphasis on replacement breathing.  This made CPR simple and easy to remember, and the chest compressions were set to the cadence of...

All Caught Up with Game of Thrones, Local Man Finally Decides He Should Get...

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ROANOKE, VA - Upon finishing Game of Thrones Season 3 at 2 AM, local man Charles Cerioli decided it would be a good time to visit St. Joe’s Emergency Room.  "I was sitting there on my...

Man ‘Accidentally Falls’ on Gerbil That Ran Through Lube

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MEMPHIS, TN – A local resident presented to the emergency room with an unusual complaint this evening.  Chief complaint: "My bottom really hurts." At first he was reluctant to say anything.  "He told me his bottom hurt,"...

ER Visits Down 72% When it Rains, Trial to Focus on Healing Power of...

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NEW ORLEANS, LA – A multicenter observational study last year reviewed millions of ER visits and found that ER visits are down 72% when it rains.  The current hypothesis is that rain either has a healing effect...