Shark Attack Victim Denied Narcotics
PENSACOLA BEACH, FL - Skip Sanders alternated between spearfishing and surfing, depending on the waves. Yesterday, an errant harpoon from his spear gun grazed...
Antibiotic Cures Common Cold Virus
PHOENIX, AZ - Doctors in Arizona have discovered a revolutionary cure to the common cold. On October 1, John Sniffles entered the emergency department at...
Drug Seeker Fills Entire Emesis Bucket with Noise Before Receiving Dilaudid
DAYTONA BEACH, FL - Deborah Samson, a 47-year-old non-diabetic drug seeker with a terrible but mysterious case of opioid-induced abdominal pain, was forced last week...
Hospitals Now Joining Black Friday Frenzy
NEW YORK, NY - Black Friday is hitting America very soon. Stores are now opening their doors almost immediately after millions of Americans finish off eating...
FDA Approves FUROSESONEROLAQUINOX for Undifferentiated Dyspnea
WASHINGTON, D.C. - To the delight of emergency physicians across the country, the Food and Drug Administration has approved the use of a new drug...
Super Mario in Critical Condition, Mistakes Deadly Amanita for 1-Up Mushroom
WORLD 7-2, MUSHROOM KINGDOM - Beloved Italian hero and plumber Super Mario is currently in critical condition at an area World 7-2 hospital after he...
Doctor Actually Thinks He Is Saving Lives
WORCESTER, MA - Dr. Danny Trenda, a recent Tufts University Medical School graduate, told friends at Tony’s Tavern that he was saving lives. His friends,...
Pain Clinic Unveils New ‘Methadrone’ Delivery
TALLAHASSEE, FL - A new cutting-edge system for delivery of maintenance narcotics was unveiled in the Florida panhandle last month, as Our Lady of the Weeping...
Newly’Appointed ‘Ebola Czar’ Quarantines Entire Navy After Learning Ebola Can Be Transmitted by Semen
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a bold first move since his recent appointment by President Obama as “Ebola Czar,” Ron Klain will quarantine the entire U.S....
Hospital Enacts New Mandatory Happy Hour for Employees
BOSTON, MA - "Go figure out the best way to improve patient safety and medical care at our hospital," was the charge that CEO of...