Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Hematology-Oncology

blood donor 10 units of blood

Now That’s Generosity: Man Donates All 10 Pints of His Blood

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MIAMI, FL - We could all learn a thing or two about generosity from Larry Jacobs.  Today, in the true spirit of kindness, Jacobs donated not one, not two, not three, not four, not five,...

Blood Banks Bring Green Blood to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day

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CHICAGO, IL - The Chicago River has been dyed green to celebrate St. Patrick's Day every year since 1962.  Borrowing the idea to bring Irish pride and cheer to hospitalized patients, blood banks across...
ridiculously restrictive transfusion

Surprise! Ridiculously Restrictive Transfusion Threshold of Zero Associated with Death

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BOSTON, MA - In a truly eye-opening study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, the results of which no one could have predicted, a ridiculously restrictive transfusion strategy (hemoglobin threshold <...
thoughts and prayers

Randomized Controlled Trial Finds #ThoughtsAndPrayers Superior to #Thoughts or #Prayers Alone

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BERKELEY, CA - A recent study of millennial patients diagnosed with chronic diseases found that social media posts with #ThoughtsAndPrayers were more effective than posts with either #Thoughts or #Prayers alone. Researchers were given access...
Iron Man hemochromatosis

Breaking: Iron Man Diagnosed with Hemochromatosis

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NEW YORK, NY - After his primary care physician insist he undergo several tests over the past month to uncover the cause of his abnormal liver function tests (LFTs), Iron Man has unfortunately been...
palliative care full code

How Ironic: Entire Palliative Care Team is Full Code

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ST. LOUIS, MO - Palliative care, as defined by the World Health Organization (WHO), is "an approach that improves the quality of life of patients and their families... affirms life and regards dying as...
zodiac sign Cancer

The Zodiac Sign Cancer Undergoes First Round of Chemotherapy

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THE SKY ABOVE - Cancer, one of the twelve constellations of the zodiac, is undergoing its first round of chemotherapy at Beta Cancri Medical Center this morning and is reportedly in good spirits and...
red blood cells

Breaking: Patient Taking Blood Thinner to Keep Blood Thin!

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KEARNEY, NE - Kind Humanitarian Hospital's Dr. Naya Statin was in for a revelation when gathering medication history from a new patient Gabby Pentin. "I see that you are taking a blood thinner," Statin asked.  "What is...
heparin bridge 85

I-85 in Atlanta is Finally Therapeutic, Heparin Bridge D/C’d

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ATLANTA, GA - Gomerblog is excited to report that I-85 in Atlanta, which collapsed 6 weeks ago for reasons that can likely be blamed on Anesthesia, finally has a therapeutic INR of 2.45, and...
Steve Bannon

Surgical Oncologist Successfully Resects Steve Bannon from National Security Council

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - At a press conference at MedStar Georgetown University Hospital early this morning, surgical oncologist Dr. H.R. McMaster was pleased to announce that he was able to successfully resect Steve Bannon from the National...
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