Thursday, June 24, 2021

Internal Medicine

Doctors Still Unclear Why Right Said Fred So Sexy It Hurts

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LONDON, ENGLAND - Despite a battery of noninvasive and invasive diagnostic tests, doctors at London Medical Center remain puzzled, as they are still unclear why British dance-pop group Right Said Fred are so sexy it...

COVID-19 Update: Palliative Care Makes U.S. DNR

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ATLANTA, GA - Accepting that COVID-19 is progressing despite all of our best efforts, Palliative has been consulted and has officially made the United States DNR. "It...
sh*tty consult

Honesty FTW! Physician Signs Note “Thanks for the Sh*tty Consult”

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BOSTON, MA - Making no attempt to hide his obvious displeasure in what was a "late" and "totally bogus" consult, infectious diseases fellow Luke O'Cytosis just ended his note with the terse "Thanks for...
lab results

National Academy of Medicine OKs using rectal gases instead of venous gases in hard...

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Minneapolis, Minnesota – In what appears to be a practice changing announcement, the National Academy of Medicine (NAM) released an update to its exceptional Factors Affecting Routine Treatment (eFART) factsheet. In the section on hard...
gout

Patient Continues to Insist He Suffers from “The Gouch,” Not Gout

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NEW YORK, NY - Larry McCarthy is a 65-year-old gentleman who doesn’t believe in the classic food pyramid; he believes in meat and alcohol pyramids, just like his parents and his parents’ parents.  He...
Amazon Echo

Cardiologist Extremely Disappointed by Amazon Echo

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DALLAS, TX - Unable to visualize any cardiac images let alone make any useful observations about the human heart, a cardiologist at Baylor University Medical Center says he is extremely disappointed by...
emergency room patient

Local Drug Seeker Discovers That 8/10 Pain Gets The Same Amount of Pain Meds...

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Long-time drug seeker, Kyle Smith, recently discovered that stating his pain is 8/10 instead of the typical 12/10 gets him the same amount of pain medication. "I always thought having more pain than you could...
iv flush

Exciting New Treatment for ‘Status Dramaticus’ Released Today by the FDA and NIH

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BETHESDA, MD - Breaking news today from the FDA and NIH researchers in Bethesda,  MD.  A new treatment for Status Dramaticus (SD) has been shown to be promising in curing this debilitating disease.  Researchers...
mosquito

West Nile Virus Murdered By East Nile Virus In Latest Ugly Episode Of Viral...

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LAS VEGAS -- The Las Vegas Police Department has confirmed the shocking news that the West Nile Virus (WNV) has been brutally shot to death by the East Nile Virus in yet another horrifying...
CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC: Talking About Scabies Can Give You Scabies

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ATLANTA, GA - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has some unfortunate news for everyone: Talking about scabies can actually give you scabies. "You know how just...