Thursday, August 4, 2022

Internal Medicine

orthopedic surgeon ripping phone book bieps

Orthopod Bewildered by Internist with Bigger Biceps

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LOS ANGELES, CA - "How can it be??!!" wondered orthopedic surgeon Thor Hammersley, scratching his noggin with his oversized mitts.  "Thor don't understand!"  You see, Hammersley has just spotted a true anomaly walking the...
pregnancy

Vaccinations Now Definitively Linked to Pregnancy

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BOSTON, MA - A new study just published in the Old England Journal of Medicine now definitively links childhood vaccinations to pregnancy. Jenny McCarthy, the paper’s sole author, stated after reviewing the data that...
Jason

New Surgical Jason Masks Loved by Nurses, Doctors

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CRYSTAL LAKE - Nurses, doctors, and other health care practitioners across the nation have announced their overwhelming support for the newly-redesigned surgical masks or Jason masks.  It is named after the brilliant trauma surgeon who...

Medical Knowledge Expanding So Fast That Everything You Knew When You Started Reading This...

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RAPID CITY, SD - On my first day of medical school, the dean proclaimed that “everything we teach you over the next 4 years will be obsolete in 10,” or something like that—I wasn’t...
burrito antibiotics

Chipotle to Win Back Customer Trust by Giving Away Free Antibiotics

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DENVER, CO - It’s been a very rough twelve months to say the least for Chipotle, which has seen its reputation severely damaged after hundreds of customers were affected by outbreaks of E. coli...

Medical Professions as NFL Teams

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Anesthesia is the Cincinnati Bengals: no one knows anyone on the team; they rotate so often it’s not worth learning names anyway.   Orthopaedics are the Dallas Cowboys: biggest fanciest toys inside the OR and out....

Man Claims to Have Caught Ebola from Flu Shot

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DALLAS, TX - Local resident Sam Worthington is claiming to have contracted Ebola from his yearly flu shot.  The irony is found in contracting a rare deadly disease, Ebola, while being vaccinated against the deadliest viruses...
feeding tube

Resident Tries G-Tube Feeds: ‘Really Not That Bad’

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NEW YORK, NY – In a move sure to garner mixed reactions from colleagues and staff, second-year internal medicine resident Jon Paniagua opened a 1 Liter bag of Isosource 1.5, poured himself a glass,...
allergy

Local Woman Insists Her Diabetes a Bad Allergic Reaction to Fast Food

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HOUSTON, TX - Rhonda Jones, a 43-year-old woman reportedly insists that her diabetes is just a bad allergic reaction to a steady diet of McDonalds, Burger King, and Taco Bell, and not a systemic, potentially...

Cinnabon Creates New Insulin Rolls: Insulinabons

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SEATTLE, WA - American purveyor of cinnamon rolls and diabetes, Cinnabon has announced a new tactic to combat the obesity epidemic, not by changing its recipe but by offering free insulin rolls instead.  Cinnabon...