NEW BEDFORD, CT – Merryview Community Hospital recently hired a local man named “Mr. Dracula” as a phlebotomist for their laboratory division and their decision has turned out to be a nightmare.
“His credentials were unrivaled when we interviewed him,” said hospital administrator Felice Brinkens. “He had 20+ years of phlebotomy experience and he was very knowledgeable regarding blood.” There were some subtle signs of trouble from the start that weren’t immediately picked up on at the interview. He required the interview to be conducted at night and asked that any and all garlic be removed from the interview room, since he was deathly allergic to it. “I mean, he was a little odd during the interview process, but who isn’t. Besides he had the credentials for the job,” said Brinkens.
Mr. Dracula’s first night shift was an utter disaster. “We couldn’t get him to use needles on patients. He insisted on performing bites to the external jugular vein, which is certainly not our first choice,” said phlebotomist Angela Newtown. “I think he even hit the internal jugular on two patients and a questionable carotid on an elderly woman.”
Mr. Dracula was immediately placed on adminstrative leave pending an internal review of the hospital’s hiring practices. “Obviously we made a big, big mistake,” says Hospital CEO Michael Richert. “We also have a damn bat problem to take care of in the hospital now too.”
